September 18, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Semain Trois

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

For all you non french speakers, Semain Trois is french for 'week three'. Hey, look at that, it is indeed the third week of the College Football season. Like our new graphic? No? That's funny 'cuz as I look at it, all I can see is a Saturday night for Bubb Rubb, and nights with Bubb are awesome. 

Know what else is awesome? Mixing cough syrup, speed, and Hawaiian punch. It's an amazing combo for anyone looking to flirt with asphyxiation and or death. It is a memorable 18 minutes, though, while you verbally abuse your sofa and punch your blender. This concoction has other suitable uses as well, like as a metaphor for really hot football teams, like say.....the U.

Remember when I said earlier that both Florida teams in the ACC were going to blow. What I really meant was to say is that any Florida team with a racist mascot is going to blow. When I picked Georgia Tech as ACC winners, I didn't take into account the fact that Miami has a black quarterback. I don't even know what I was thinking. HE'S BLACK. We might as well Lou Holtz (jump to irrational conclusions) this one and line them up against Florida. Black man versus Jesus 2.0. That would be fun, as long as you pregame with an aerosol can.

See. He's calling for your Tebow. HE'S BLACK!

Maybe my predictions in the ACC were horrible, but that conference is as relevant as Entourage's story line. What is relevant is the fact that I recognized the Notre Dame shittyness. One for two ain't bad, unless you are Charlie Weis. The man is on a very large and extra supported hot seat right now. Let's just get this through everyone's head right now. Any assistant to Bill Belichick is his bitch, and being Belickick's bitch, means that there is no mentoring. Just random commands from the man in the sweatshirt with no rhyme or reasoning. This explains the secretion of shit coaches from the Pats. They don't learn anything.

Now, as for the Irish, they are not good. Not good as in, they just got trampled by a freshman quarterback with no talent at his disposal. Notre Dame fans might say "hey it's not fair they practice more and, and, and they cheat," but you forget that cheaters always prosper. Being the holy and cleansed assholes that Notre Dame fans are, you wouldn't understand that half the world cheats. How do you think America was freed? They cheated. Guerrilla tactics you dumb fucks. So maybe if you got off you knees and started pouring anthrax in opposing team's water, you wouldn't have an issue with this.

Uh-Oh. Did Wilt Stilts hit again with a prediction? (spoiler alert) YES.

As I alliterated last week, K-State was teetering on the edge between chronic Luser, and near death addict. Well, they swung the way of Len Bias this last week by getting toppled by the perennial power  gumbo house Louisiana Lafayette. No, that isn't the name of a True Blood character, but it is a team in the Sun Belt Conference. Yeah, and just after rewarding Bill Snyder with a fresh new five year contract for DEMOLISHING UMass by a whopping four points. That's 1.25 years per point differential. Well, after last Saturday it's up to 2.5 years. Now those are results worth rewarding. They get UCLA this weekend, which is going to be the final hit before Manhattan begins convulsions, and then a long painful death for the next 10 weeks. Yes, this does make me happy.

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