September 13, 2009

Sundy Night Football Live Blog Chicago @ Green Bay

After a rowdy 13 games to start off the '09 NFL season, both Sexcapade and Bubb are leading their respective fantasy leagues, with insane point totals. 122 on the Rubb side with all his games finished and with two receivers and a kicker to go 20K is thriving with 118. Needless to say, we are both excited for the upcoming months with great starts. I am specifically excited to see if Wes Welker and Vince Jackson can pull me up to an astonishing 150 points.

I plan on taking a shot of Gin for every point away from my goal I don't get. Robbie Gould can help my sobriety, by smashing extra points and pin pointing a few 50 yard field goals. So this is where we begin out coverage, half hour outside of a great Sunday night game, hoping that Jay Cutler has enough insulin to get him into field goal range, and then falter, while diabetic coma stunts Da Bears offense, at the 35 yard line. Remember, no more Madden, so no repetitive offensive line comments and redundant coaching anecdotes. Just friendly Chris Collinsworth action. Bubb will most likely join me somewhere between the first cheese head viewing and the 9th Brett fucking Farve reference.

I will be typing in the my school color of blue while Bubb will be in the cardinal color which isn't a fucking color, it's a fucking bird. He's typing in red. It's fucking red

7:31-K-State Alumn Jordy Nelson returns the kick off back to the 50 starting off on a horrible note. I guess the Wildcats could use some good news coming out of this weekend I guess.

7:35- The Packers' beginning drive starts off fantastically with a couple first down passes, but sputters as they go for a long field goal and miss. On a side note: Who likes the white on white uniforms? I'm not fashion major, but it looks like the Bears woke up with the apparel of an 1850's women's nightgown. Please fix this, you have all of Michigan street at your disposal.

7:39- Didn't Chicago trade from Cutler, 'cuz it looks like Rex Grossman is still out there. Oh wait that was Cutler. Well way to go three and out on your first drive. Collective sigh of relief from Green Bay and Denver.

7:44- Rogers is looking dandy tonight. So comfortable in the pocket and rolls out with his Cal Golden Arm and launches it 17 yards down field for a first down. And as I type this he's sacked. Good conclusion me.

7:47- Devin Hester waiting back with a new Under Armour commercial under his belt points to the sky like he believes in God god or something. Certainly didn't help. 3 yard return.

7:49 - Don't fucking tell me what color I have to type in.

7:50- RED DAMMIT. ITS ALREADY DECIDED. don't fuck up the feng shui or way shue or chinese magic decorating

7:51 - Fine. I plan on turning the game on shortly.

7:55- Well so far, Cutler has hit more Green Bay hands than he has Bear hands, or should i say Bear paws......crickets.....FUCK YOU. Oh speaking of, Cutler just hit another pair of Packer paws (alliterationized) except intercepted this time. Maybe Denver made the right decision.

7:58-When I see a little asian girl produce a slide show presenting the positives of Windows on a commercial, it makes me even more accepting of Apple's products. Window's has resorted to cuteness to win customers.

8:06- There have been more drops of balls here tonight than a middle school sex ed class. That's as good as I could do. Give me a break, I'm not Rick Reilly over here.

8:11- Uh Oh. Dreads on Dreads fighting. That's like two Crips shooting each other. This is not acceptable. Hester, Harris shake hands and compliment each others dread length. Dreadlock wearers are the staple of our damn society. Keep that image clean.

8:25- An Abilene Christian gets a money insulin fueled pass 40 yards down field. This guy is quick and his last name is Knox. Possible nicknames: Quick Knox, Hard Knox, Knox Pox? That's all i got. And just as I thought Cutler was stepping up, he throws a pick. What'd ya say we have a 3-0 game. That would be fun. Wait, they should have just kicked the field goal. ROBBIE GOULD. Dammit.

8:34- Wow. Safety, and that is amazing. This is like watching Wyoming and Southern Mississippi play against each other. Not to mention, it's getting extremely chippy. Every play seems to have jawing and hand slaps. After Cutler's pick, he had a childish resurfacing when he pushed Clay Mathews and ran away to the sideline. Good times.

8:38- Another Gay Cutler pick. Some one needs a timeout. You can see him thinking of someway to shed the blame as he walks back to a disappointed Lovie Smith. It's returned to the 3. But wait, it's being reviewed, even though there will be no overturning. In fact, Chicago not only wasted a timeout, but got the ball spotted two yards closer.

8:45- Ryan Grant then runs it in, as I realize that my opposing fantasy team has Grant. Fuck. My lead is now cut to 4. Keep in mind I have 118 fucking points. This is an epic fantasy football battle. Hopefully this is all we hear from Grant the rest of the night. Oh, and a third of Cutler's completed passes have been to the Packers. Just put Gould in there and let him rack me up some points.

8:50- It's the two minute warning and the Bears offense is about as good at passing as Erin Andrews is at ironing clothing naked in privacy. Third and 12 coming up. Hopefully Robbie Gould is in the backfield, and he isn't. Of course, they don't get the first down.

9:00- With 40 seconds and a timeout, Cutler looks like he may be on the move, but instead, at the 50, they hand off a draw. Pointless. Robbie Gould is good but not 67 yard field goal good. Instead they risk another Cutler pass with a hail marry. It drops in the endzone. HALFTIME.

Halftime highlight- Jay Leno with Al Michaels in possibly the least prepared interview of my lifetime. Neither of them could figure out the how to not disrupt the others conversation. Plus Leno bashed Cutler and then made a cliche fucking Farve joke. In the end, I wont be watching the Jay Leno show tomorrow at 9 even though the NBC marketing team did a good job of forcing the date and time down my throat.

9:18- We're back, and I have no clue where Bubb is this evening. He made that quick cameo and then was out. Maybe he is hanging out with Matt Barkley. Or he's giving fellatio for a quiz study guide. Both are equally possible.

9:22- Bears are making a move and are stuck at 4th and two inches, or Jay Cutler's dick length. They are going for it....and time out. After the time out, Cutler goes head first into the center's anus, and he penetrated far enough.

9:26 - My apologies for the prolonged absence. My location is preventing me from accessing the game on TV, so Sexcapade comes through in the clutch by recommending Justin.Tv. Much to my dismay, this isn't a 24-hour Timberlake-fest. But I'll take it. Oh hey, Devin Hester catches a TD. I must be lucky.

9:30 - Aaaaand I'm out. Getting sushi. This game bores me.

9:32- In the only 40 seconds of the game he has watched, there was a 30 yard touchdown. he must be spoiled by the high powered offense of USC. Oh wait. Anyway Robbie got on the board with an extra point.

9:35- It's good to have football back on so companies can start making interesting commercials again. Thank you everyone, except bud light and miller light. Your's blow.

9:38- With this recent success by Cutler, it must be justified, so i guess Jay Leno's disposition towards him light a fire under his blood sugar reader.

9:43- With a third and long coming up, maybe a little draw hand-off would center the ball so ROBBIE GOULD can put up a 42 yarder. I want it and the customer gets what the customer wants. And look who does calls it. PUT IT IN ROBBIE. get it in, get it in....YES YES. I wont have to take shots. YES, wait, no, YES. Hike my score up to 123. 

9:45- Ryan Grant is ruining my Gould celebration right now. Although I am more in favor of the Packers, I really don't care, so then it comes down to my fantasy league which is leaning me towards the Bears. 

9:53- Again, Green Bay fails to complete a third down. Rogers is shaking in his pants after four sacks. I would be too.

10:01- Maybe the worst call I've seen in a long time. You know which one I'm talking about. And Chris Collinsworth with one of my favorite quotes ever. As Lovie Smith was tossing in the red flag Chris just says, "maybe he's challenging his own call." Someone is deserving of replacing John Madden. The special team coordinator for the bears is also deserving of a replacement. They lose the challenge, and most likely the game in the future because of this call. This is ridiculous.

10:14- Going for a the Delhomme number, Cutler just tosses into quadruple coverage, and for those who don't know how many quadruple is, it's four. Coincidentally, that would have been Cutler's fourth pick. It dropped to the ground safely though. 

10:17- I don't know if the refs are just drafted out of the KKK, but clearly there was a racist call on Harris. Just cause his dreads hang low don't mean you can be hatin on him. Maine you IGNANT. IGNANT RACIST FOO.

10:25- Forte stuffed for the second time in a row and Chicago is probably just gonna center it for another Robbie Gould....right? Probably play action and then pass, most likely tipped away at the line. that's my call. THEN ROBBIE GOULD.

10:28- Almost the right prediction, but I did get my Gould points so I'm happy. Should be good going down the stretch.

10:34- Trent Green-esque slide as Rogers almost get's concussed. Should have been a flag, but for some reason the NFL didn't learn their lesson. Doesn't matter in the end as Rogers hit's Jennings perfectly on a third and one play action call. I'm stunned. It was a perfect throw. Just perfect. Perfect like Megan Fox's physique. 

10:43- A fitting ending to a horrid game for Jay Cutler. Chris Collinsworth tries to recover Jay's dignity, but he get to enjoy being in a group with Delhomme in the four pick club. Watery eyes don't even show the emotions running though his head, along with insulin. Green Bay is psyched. Good game, and see you all possibly tomorrow for another live blog. Cross your fingers and legs and maybe it will happen, or donate a 100 to the herm's perm fund and then it will definitely happen.

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