September 17, 2009

Suicide NOtes: Michael Crabtree

While I was watching the Jay Leno show (PFT! Who am I kidding? I didn't watch it). While watching Phillip DeFranco, I was utterly surprised to find that Kanye was on the brink of Marilyn Monroe-ing himself. This made me think, hey Terrel Owens attempted suicide. Then i realized Vince Young got in on the self loathing as well. So, naturally I figured, what would their suicide letters look like? TO's would be a tear soaked note that just reads "HE'S MY QUARTERBACK" over and over like a page from The Grudge. No one would actually care for Vince Young's so instead of recreating their letters, why not make hypothetical letters for players who should be on the brink of inhaling a bucket of Tylenol. Today's suicide author is Mr. Crestationvegitation.

Dear Mom,

Thanks for letting me borrow your spare bedroom for the past few months while I figure my job situation out. It's been a pleasant 21 years and I was happy to have you as a mother, mainly for your apple pie, hahaha. But all jokes aside, I'm going to kill myself.

I left a will on the table for my agent. He's horrible, so he may not know how to figure out how to  negotiate the money, but it's all there. I know this may come as a surprise to you, but it's so hard to deal with the fact that I can't get two million more than I want. I've always been struggling to deal with these negotiation processes. It's hard to concentrate on living when Mike Singletary walks in the office with crotchless jeans, and glittered genitals. I hope you can understand my reasoning for this deep depression.

Now, I've lined up a way for you to pay for my funeral. I've decided to get on the roof and tip toe along the power lines until either: A. I hit a transistor and explode like a Gus Johnson play call, or B. Fall 40 feet into our pool filled with assortments of plugged in home appliances. It's ironic 'cuz I'm an electric play maker. The money will come in when you take the video camera I used to tape it, and upload it on YouTube. Make sure you edit it with the audio from the last play of the Texas game. IT WILL BE HILARIOUS. But really I'm dead. Don't forget to give it a witty title. I know you can do this.

Love you always,

Mike Crabtree

(P.S. Here's a photo for you in case you forgot what I looked like)


  1. Dear Mom,

    YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME! I rarely won. I don't want to play anymore.


  2. i dreamed it in my head