October 30, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week "Fuck if I Care Anymore" /BASKETBALL RANKINGS WEEK

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
I can smell the FRESHly laid lacquer on the hardwood floor. The nylon, FRESHly forced from it's packaging. FRESH, glossy, latex paint still soothing my nostrils. The aftertaste of recently (synonym for FRESHly) ingested peyote still stinging my taste buds. All the signs pointing to a FRESH new basketball season. A time when people have no opposition to littering newspapers, and it is looked up upon to yell indoors. Also a time for me to gloat, as the polls came out yesterday and to no surprise, the best team in the country...

...Kansas. That's a familiar picture, and will be familiar again in April of 2010 as well. But, not to get too excited, let's just do a rundown of the top 25.

1. Kansas
2. Michigan State
3. Texas
4. North Carolina
5. Kentucky
6. Villanova
7. Purdue
8. Duke
9. West Virginia
10. Butler
11. Tennessee
12. California
13. Wisconsin
14. Connecticut
15. Michigan
16. Oklahoma
17. Ohio State
18. Minnesota
19. Mississippi St.
20. Georgia Tech
21. Georgetown
22. Dayton
23. Louisville
24. Clemson
25. Syracuse

All the national championship contenders are in bold and LARGE. The rest of the teams can just sit back and enjoy the view, from behind. Cole Aldrich will be the pile of coke and Sherron Collins, the black tar heroine that will propel the Jayhawks through every team this season, all while averaging a point differential over 30. So much ruthlessness, and after their high ends with the golden trophy in their hands, they will relapse with a trip to Madison Square Garden.

Those of you on the itinerary for this vessel of utter basketball destruction will be helpless as the Jayhawks tear out your organs inch by inch through a nano tube called, "not even oxygen can move" MAN DEFENSE. Then the Hawks will parade your body through the streets with the selfless MOTION OFFENSE. You may have the inclination to say that the two sentences above are mindless babble, but you'd be wrong. Everything I say makes sense. EVERYTHING. I have a National Championship team dammit. WHAT I SAY GOES.

As for you naysayers, fuck you. I don't have to listen. I HAVE A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM.

(goes for a run/wears off effects of Oxycontin)

Alright, here's some football.

Bubb has his panties in a wad about this game that is supposed to prove to me that his schedule is AMAZING. Like I care. It might be the weed talking but, like, I am beyooond football, man. It's like, so what, you can wear pads and throw your bodies at each other. No way man, nooo way.

This game is going to be sick though, sick for the Oregon fans. I know Oregon has been on a fucking mission since they lost to Boise State. A mission similar to that of a high Colorado student looking for his Funyuns. FUNYUNS. Sounds so good, as does a 30 to 17 beat down of the Ducks.

Yes, the whole "stadium is loud thing" should be considered, but imagine being in Matt Barkley's shoes. Everyday he walks around campus as wannabe supermodels dance around yelling his name, yet he still makes it to class on time. That is how you turn down a crowd. Barkley will be so concentrated that those 80 thousand fans will only sound like Stephon Johnson's whisperings. Plus, Big Game Pete has his name for a reason, and hangs out with Kirk Herbstreit all the time. Clear advantage to the Magnums.

Next up is Texas. Texas, where the only thing more important than football is stopping Mexicans from taking their jobs. In fact, it's so important for Texas to win this weekend, that the fans have pinned Zac Robinson as a Mexican. This is, of course, unfortunate for Zac because he will most likely get murdered this weekend, literally and figuratively. Although, anyone who is named Zack and forgoes the K is a fucking asshole.

Plan on Colt McCoy acting like he just ingested a Keebler Elf sized hit of ecstasy in the first half, and then come out in the second half with a half flaccid on as he protrudes through the defense with his passing attack. No mortal can predict this score because it could be astronomical, but I can say that Texas will win like it did in the Mexican-American War. A war that America probably would have been better off losing. Thanks James Polk.

Now to the good stuff, random suggestions that you should probably not put money on, but probably will anyway, because you're a dumbass.

Kansas losing to Texas Tech- I've given up. I will be happy if we win, but admitting defeat first, and then winning is a lot better than the other way around.

Washington State over Notre Dame- Actually, just assume that every game Notre Dame plays, I will pick the opposition. Notre Dame vs 12 playdough bottles.....I'm going with the playdough.

Tennekee over the Cocks- Anything to fuck the SEC up as much as possible

South Florida over West Virginia- best game of the week, and also, anything to fuck up the Big East.

1 comment:

  1. How many times did Michigan State beat Kansas last year?