October 28, 2009

The Majors are Looking for Neegroes?

What's this World Sear-ees tonight? Is it some sort of Sears ploy to push their hastily made Brett fucking Favre commercials on us? Oh, it's baseball. Who knew. Supposedly this so called entertainment, pins the Chase Utleys against the Nick Swisha Houses. Of course, for anyone not approximately 100 miles from the Atlantic Ocean, you have no stake in this. Congratulations baseball, no one gives a shit anymore. You just cemented that fact with a series between two teams that are a 10 dollar bus ticket away from each other. Well done. The best part of this whole thing is that we all know this was the plan all along.

If you were one of the 16 people actually paying attention to the playoffs, you would be well versed in the complete ineptitude of the umpiring throughout. For the majority that don't know, just check this out. It's generally been one of those post-seasons where you wouldn't be surprised if Bud Selig had threatened death on the umpires' children if they don't follow though with his diabolical plan.

But wait, there may be a real strategy behind all this anti-K-zone, anti-replay officiating. It looks like this series might not slowly seep every ounce of exuberance out of your soul, and all thanks to Jay-Z. That's right, the MLB did something correctly for once. Instead of hiring Trace Adkins or Celine Dion, Selig went the black rout with Jay-Z and Alicia Keys on the opening ceremony.

Hell, now that I look at it, I think it's safe to assume Bud was reaching for the black ratings the entire playoffs. First, he brings in the two biggest black National League players in Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard. Then he begged the umps to bring in Derek Jeter (halvsies on the black) and C.C. Sabathia (100% black because he's from Oakland and it's a requirement to be a citizen there). Now, to open up the series, Jay-Z (the best known rapper and Obama supporter) and Alicia Keys (sang with Usher and is hot and black) will perform the song "Empire State of Mind" which you may have first heard on this very website. Careful when you're listening to the concert though. You don't want to accidentally smoke a cigarette.

So, in conclusion, it took over 50 years for the MLB to finally decide that the Negro Leagues were, in fact, more interesting than the honkie league. Now, in 2009, black people have begun disowning baseball, which has caused a significant change in Bud Selig's marketing strategy. Furthermore, I have decided that the playoffs have been fixed to improve interest among African Americans. This just gives a new meaning to the words Black Sox scandal. Sadly, it almost looks too real to not to be true. To finish up, for your viewing pleasure, some black muzik, because we need to get the African American demographic too.

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