October 31, 2009

Deadspin Loves Itself, and Herm Snatches Away the Vibrator

If, at any time, you visited Deadspin this week, there was a 167 percent chance that you read something about someone at ESPN fucking someone s/he shouldn't have. The other 32 percent was this. And Ted Williams, because why the fuck not, had to have a one-percent say. Figuratively and cryogenically, of course.

I really love Deadspin. My addiction to the site is like Ochocinco's thirst for attention: If shit doesn't happen daily, I'll drop the ball and wallow in self-pity like a five-year-old. So when we (Wilt and myself) broke the Chase Mejia story, expectations for notoriety were low. Like post-Palmer-ACL-expectations-low.

But then the Deadspin story hit - and logged more than 55,000 hits within 24 hours. As a result, we immediately had hopes for the elite "October: Fin." post. Aspirations as provocative as top-5 supremacy. Why? Because our assumption was that Deadspin couldn't possibly count every single separate ESPNHornDoggeryPost as uniquely separate. They were all about the same Bristol Bullshit.

Well, JesusUnholyStevePhillips'RuthlessCock, were we wrong.

Sure, we made the list. But the titles of the posts above of the Chase Mejia investigative report (which placed second-to-last) went as follows:

THREE. A blog criticizing Deadspin's coverage of ESPNHornDoggeryOverdoneness.

FOUR. A picture of Steve Phillips and the Fat Cunt that pushed Chase to eighth place. Fuck you, Fat Cunt. I hope Steve Phillips had a BAC of 198.5 (for those keeping score at home, the legal level is .08) when he fucked you.

FIVE. An original photo of Steve Phillips and Rosie O'Donnell
some fatty - The very picture which forced us to embark upon this time-wasting journey. Whoever released this picture deserves the mask treatment. And I'm not talking about that green thing that turns Jim Carrey's teeth into chicklets.

SIX. Didn't even bother to read this. I'm only linking to it so you can shit on A.J. Daulerio. His contact info is at the bottom of this post. Harass him relentlessly.

SEVEN. I'm out of creative descriptions of Deadspin's obsession. I'm not a fan of restraining orders, mainly because they imply defenselessness, but I would picket for this one in this case. Stay away from ESPN's business. It bores the testosterone out of me. Yes, I'd march around with a sign. The sign would read "Yes on Prop 8 is GAY." All your fault, Asshole Jackass Daulerio.
SPEAKING OF EIGHT... I feel like I've already talked about this cunt. Therefore, I will not give two shits about her, regardless of the rationale behind her appearance on Deadspin.
NINE.  We're almost done. I fucking promise, because I'm tired as shit and the USC-Oregon state is in...like...12 hours. Oh, meecrob! It's NOT ESPN HorndoggBullShittery. IT'S TOO $HORT! (forgive the quality. This is the only vid I could find that would allow embedding).

Tim Donaghy blowin dat whistle. Bubb Rubb would be proud.

TEN. Aaaaaaand we end with Eric Kuselias. He apparently works for ESPN. And can't control his dick. Michael Scott also makes HR-inappropriate comments. Vinny Chase fucks a fine chick. Nancy Botwin decides that unconventional, crime-ridden life is somehow advantageous. Noticias!

Somewhere in the middle of all this, the term "news" no longer implies "NEW INFORMATION THAT ISN'T DIFFERENT FROM THE LAST INFORMATION YOU GAVE US, FOX/AJD."

AJD's info:
(phone) 917-854-3630
(emails) ; ajd@deadspin.com

1 comment:

  1. jesus christ you guys have the worst sports blog i have ever seen