November 11, 2009

Dick Vitale Writes? Perplexing Questions

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's Article: 10 Questions about the 2009-10 Season 

Dick in black.
Wilt in blue. 

I am so excited that the college basketball season has arrived.

Wait, we agree on something?

The new campaign brings a lot of interesting questions as teams strive to make it to Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis for the Final Four.

Like which teams will "slip up" before the big dance and who will "grease the pistons" heading into March Madness.

1. Will Kansas live up to all the notoriety as the favorite to cut down the nets in April?

Yes, yes they will.

Bill Self knows what it takes to win it all, and he has two of the premier players in America in Cole Aldrich and Sherron Collins. The Jayhawks are my choice to win the gold trophy.

TWO THINGS IN COMMON. Oh god, dare I say...I like him now? I don't know, but I do know that the trophy is more brown than gold the last time I saw it in it's case at Allen Fieldhouse, but maybe my 20 something eyes (compared to your 60-70 something) deceived me. 

2. Can Kentucky live up to all the expectations since hiring John Calipari?

Oh good, still hate you.

This is a young and talented team. John Wall, Patrick Patterson & Co. will have a loyal following of Big Blue fans, but there will be some pressure on the Wildcats as well.

Big and blue is right. Kentucky doesn't know the difference between eating and not eating. Mainly because they haven't heard of this "not eating" thing.

3. Is there a team from the West Coast capable of making some noise on the national scene?


The answer is yes, as the California Golden Bears have so much returning talent. The Pac-10 favorite has a solid, experienced backcourt in Jerome Randle and Patrick Christopher. Mike Montgomery's team will be heard from all season long.

I have seriously never heard a single one of those players and coaches names before, and I don't plan on learning them because it's the Pac-10, and Gonzaga is better than all of that conference every year.

4. Will the Big Ten be as good as advertised?

Will Notre Dame beat UCLA's 82 game win streak? Will San Fransisco win the 1948 championship? Will my daddy ever love me?

Word has it the conference has dominant teams such as Michigan State and Purdue plus a host of other legitimate squads. As many as eight teams could be in the hunt for NCAA tournament berths. Players like Kalin Lucas and Robbie Hummel will garner national attention.

Word has it, the Big 12 is better, but of course, they are to far west for likes of the Great Vitale. Players like Ben Affleck will Jennifer Garner attention.

5. After a disappointing 2008-09 season, can Georgia Tech become a legitimate top-20 team?


Derrick Favors has a lot of talent, but can he carry Paul Hewitt's club to the elite status in ACC country?

Hey you already asked your question asshole. You can't answer a question with a question.

This is still a young team and a work in progress, but the potential is there. 

Cliche isn't a word in Dick Vitale's dictionary. 

6. Staying in the ACC, how will North Carolina fare after losing Tyler Hansbrough, Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington and Danny Green?

I don't know if you remember, with the whole alzheimer's thing, but KU came back last year just fine. This shouldn't even be a question.

Roy Williams is a Hall of Fame coach, and his team has the talent to be a co-favorite in the league. Tyler Zeller and Marcus Ginyard are back healthy. Deon Thompson and Ed Davis can be tough up front. An excellent class has come in, so this team has the ammunition to be a top-10 team. 

Like I said, no question, but what is a question is if Roy will wear a KU sticker on his sweater vest when we win the tournament. 

7. Who will be a sleeper out of the Big East? It seems as though someone from that conference comes out and surprises every season. Could it be Seton Hall this season?  

Woah, what the fuck is this? What a detailed question that you proposed to yourself. Just teeing up the question aren't you? God dammit.

Bobby Gonzalez is getting some publicity in a positive way as the Pirates could climb into the upper echelon of the conference. 

Elian Gonzalez also got publicity in a positive way as a Pirate, but he certainly didn't climb into the upper echelon of being a US citizen. 

8. Who will be the player of the year?

TYLER HANSBROUGH! No? Is JJ Reddick still playing? 

My first thought is Notre Dame's Luke Harangody, who decided to return to South Bend for his senior season. He is a double-double man who should enjoy great success in 2009-10. There are a number of other talented candidates.

There are other talented candidates including Cole Adrich, that Russian guy from UCLA, Tyler Hansbrough's brother, Kyle Singler.....uh....what other white guys are there?

9. Could the race for diaper dandy of the year be a two-man affair?   

Finaly, a question I care about. Let me guess, Kevin Love.

Wall of Kentucky and Derrick Favors of Georgia Tech stand out to me.

BLACK PEOPLE. What happened to the good ole' racist Dick I knew and loved?

10. Which first-year coach will make the biggest splash at his new program? Will it be Calipari, Sean Miller at Arizona or someone else?

Again with the tee ball questioning. Really, Sean Miller? No, no fucking way. It's going to be Billy Gillispie, because he can splash back the biggest five gallon bucket of Grey Goose in an hour. That's a real man's power hour.

I'm curious how Josh Pastner will do with a Memphis program that must be rebuilt.

Well done Dick. You just posed a question, then posed another question to narrow down your choices. THEN, you answer with someone else. Do you just make up theoretical interviews on you're free time, that way you have the most realistic interviews in your unread column? And I'm curious how Josh Pastner does with his Social Studies homework, because he's only like 70 in his high school class right now.

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