November 10, 2009

Introducing the Founding Class of The Perm Hall of Fame

From day one, we here of this establishment have publicized our appreciation for the creative, extravagant and gaudy hairstyles. If this wasn't apparent from the graphic at the top of your screen, you're either blind or subscribe to the conspiracy theory that Herm Edwards really does have a perm, but covers it up like a CIA assassination flub.

On behalf of the Perm family, Wilt, Bubb, 908, Canaan, CMello and, of course, Herm himself, we proudly announce that Ron Artest as the first inductee into the Perm Hall of Fame.

From his not-so-humble beginnings in Indiana (he had not yet discovered his "Tru" calling while with his first team, the Bulls), Ron-Ron's flare for crop circle-like carvings in his follicles set a precedent for self-advertising. While opposing players were busy trying to decipher the message carved into his head-pallet, Artest would snatch the ball from their grasp on defense, or make a quick first step on offense. It was his hair - nary his strength or athleticism - that established his reputation as one of the most prolific defenders in the league.

This same hair proved problematic in a riot that even East Germany would approve of. With a year to sit out the NBA and prepare his swagger, he came back with a style to prove fans of his devotion to his new team, the Kings. The defense followed him to Sacramento, but he soon became the only scoring threat on an aging Kings team, and developed a strong three pointer and improved low post moves thanks to his mesmerising hair choices and Chris Webber's grandfatherly education.

Tiring of the city of Sacramento, Artest relocated to Houston, a city known mostly for its humidity, Paul Wall and little else. He was no longer the shining star with teammates Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming hording the headlines. Keenly, Artest waited for his moment to reemerge as the center of attention. That moment came in the 2009 Western Conference Semi-Finals against the Los Angeles Lakers. Biding his time until the inevitable injuries to Yao and McGrady, Artest delayed the return of the headcarving until the two were out of the picture. Then, in a blaze of glory, he launched (Rockets - get it?) his finest, most intricate masterpiece. Unfortunately, his hair was outdone by the hands of Kobe Bryant and the homelyness of Pau Gasol in seven games.

Then, after an offseason of switch-a-roos, Ron Artest landed in LA where oddly, those same hands that defeated him last year, would now be holding the shaver for his newest style. After many years of playing for sub-par franchises, the Van Gogh of barbering had made it to a team that was as douchy as his hair cuts. To add insult douche to injury, he also wore the number 37 in remembrance of Michael Jackson. With more media flashing shots of him, he knew he needed a bomb ass cut, and at the Odom's wedding he donned this bad boy.

And with that, we at Herm's Perm present Ron this bronze Chia Pet, officially honoring you into the Perm Hall of Fame (waits through applause). And to end, Ron Artest performing his hit single, Afghan Woman:

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