November 8, 2009


Welcome to SARS: a recap of the Saturday footballings (Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse) that weren't contained by Wilt's disease mask. Because someone has to keep this asshole humble.

After an abysmal week of predictions two Fridays ago, Wilt rebounded with a solid performance that even Robert Downey could applaud. Wilt predicted a slew of upsets, and the NCAA delivered, just like your weed dealer on 4/20.

But before we jump into the analysis of Wilt's crystal (meth) BALLIN, I have to amend his claim that the games this Saturday were drab. LSU-Bama? Entertaining! We know that the quality of quarterback play in the SEC is the equivalent of going into detox at a clinic that serves Long Island iced teas with every meal. It's disgraceful. But if it hadn't been for more cracked-out SEC officiating, there's a good chance that this game ends with a different outcome. IF YOU SAY THAT MONEY IS A FACTOR IN DECIDING WHICH TEAMS PLAY IN THE SEC CHAMPIONSHIP, I WILL FLAG YOU FOR EXCESSIVE SHUTYOURMOUTH! By the way, Wilt picked this one correctly.

Penn State and Ohio had the makings for a solid matchup, but America learned today not to mock Terelle Pryor. This lame excuse for antagonism is one of the gayest things I've ever seen. Whoever drew Pryor on the shirts' graphic must have severe glaucoma. I'm also extremely disturbed by the muscular feline who is comforting Pryor whilst appearing to be completely naked. If Ohio State made a follow-up t-shirt to this, there's a one-in-three chance that it would depict Pryor defecating or teabagging the Lion's mouth. Penn State wasn't a terribly risky pick here, but Wilt's understandable lack of respect for OSU led to the miscalculation.

As for the rest of the rundown?

Nebraska over Oklahoma - YES
At most, three Big 12 teams will appear in the BCS poll this week. This conference has fallen from grace faster than Lindsay Lohan. Kids, take it from Uncle Herm - when your drug consumption surpasses your food consumption, it's time to reconsider your life choices.

Uconn over Cincinnati - NO
Two straight heartbreaking losses for the Huskies. I feel bad for my boy Keech, who's a junior there. If you can name something other than frigid temperatures, gusty winds and football in Storrs, Conn. this time of year, you're tripping on acid. Come back to reality, Steven Tyler. It's almost basketball season, Keechy.
[edit]: Wilt requested credit for almost picking this upset. By giving up 47 points, I would say that Super Ghost was hardly present in this one. Petition denied and go fuck yourself. Feel free to respond to the ruling in next Friday's Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse.

Iowa BARELY over Northwestern - NO
Finally. FINALLY. I almost give this one to Wilt, just because Iowa followed the same formula it had executed perfectly all year, except this time no Stanzi meant no miracle comeback. I couldn't be happier. And the same goes for the BCS. Iowa in the Rose Bowl (yes, I'm jumping to the conclusion that they'll lose to Ohio State) is no way to recover from a New Years Eve hangover.

Syracuse over Pitt - NO
Don't know what the logic was here. Clearly the result of a smack overdose. NURSE! 20 CC'S OF CHILL THE FUCK OUT WITH THE UPSETS ALREADY.

**BONUS UNOFFICIAL PICK** Navy over Notre Dame - YES
Bravo, Wilt. We conclude with success. The highlight of this game is the Charlie Weis postgame press conference where he states that he won't be changing his methods, despite the loss. I like this logic. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And if it is broke, I'm too fat, lazy and stubborn to do anything about it. Weis/Limbaugh '12: "No we can't? So what, we're rich."

Final Tally: 3.5 - 3.5 (Iowa prediction split).

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