November 11, 2009

Head Games

An article in the Wall Street Journal today proposed that football would be a safer game without helmets. As one of our nation's leading publications, I'm inclined to believe this argument, even though it seems to contradict logic and common sense. The article later admits that removing helmets from football is a practical impossibility, and suggests ways in which the sport could be pussified to reduce head injuries.

In honor of the WSJ's report, Herm's Perm will recognize some of the everyday forms of protection that fail to fully serve their purposes.

1. Insect repellent - I've once emptied an entire can of "Off!" on my body during a camping trip and still came home looking like a smallpox patient. Bug spray deters bugs like Axe spray attracts droves of hot women. Aerosol products are good for two things: killing and cooking. Or maybe my Jew blood is just too damn good to resist.

2. Condoms -  In a lot of ways, condoms are a lot like football helmets. We're a lot less careful when we use them, they decrease sensation and bad shit happens when they break. Not wearing them invokes memories of the antiquated times prior to their invention. Not wearing the device also requires a lot of prayer that the decision won't cause life-changing results.

3. Guns - Guns don't kill people, people kill people? Bullshit. Gun-toting NASCAR fans kill people. In my book, NASCAR fans are sub-human. No wonder they deny Darwin's theory with such fervor.

4. Airbags - Next time you're riding shotgun in a car, flip down the sun visor on the ceiling. There's a list that tells you about four or five ways you can kill your infant with an airbag. It's sad that John Wayne Gacy will be remembered for less admirable actions, instead of this great invention.

5. Money - All the Franklins in the world can't save even the most revered entrepreneur from being exposed as a cowering softy.

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