November 13, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 11/1

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
Last week's FASA had more upset than a wagon full of toddlers. I called some, and some I did not, but last weeks picks were specifically a result of the way Kansas has handled this "conference schedule" thing. It got worse this week with a loss to ....(sigh)... the pussies. If you thought last weeks upsets were too much, then you might consider not finishing this (DON'T STOP READING WE NEED THE READERSHIP). This week's choices will be done with 900 cc of a cortisone, shot right into my cerebral cortex. NO CEILINGS?!

Tonight's game has some intrigue, if by intrigue, you mean shitty Big East play. West Virgina road trips to Cincinnati to get castrated like a horny goat. I literally mean it, and don't think Pat White won't be a part of this castration carnival. Tony Pike has a chest full of castration devices ready for the Mountaineers. If you're injured, you have to contribute somehow, and Pike chose the "rip off the testicles of opponents" method. It makes Brandon Spikes' look like Candyland character. Last week was the last time I try to upset the Bearcats. I just have to come to the realization that they are good.

The only other interesting game this week is the TCU and Utah game. Now, if you remember, I love TCU, and I can't get enough of the Frogs. They are so awesome. I might need to transfer just so I can be a badass frog that has horns. I don't know if there is a better mascot in the world. That frog is so great, just planting himself on the purple helmets right under the TCU. It's like he planned on sitting there. It's great. As you can tell, I will take my Kermit friends for the win against the half Mormons. I only say half because it's a public school, and it can't have a religious connection to Mormon land. Seriously, would it be a big deal if all the Mormons "accidentally" drowned in the Salt Lake. Really, they gave us FUCKING ALEX SMITH and ANDREW BOGUT. Fuck all Mormons. Literally I will, but they can't fuck back unless the ring is on their finger. UNSOLICITED MORMON SEX. I'm done with caps I promise. Just take from this paragraph that TCU is the best team ever and should be in the championship game. That's all.

Now for the upsets.

Iowa over Ohio State -  Ohio State lost to Vanderbilt. They command no respect from me. At least Iowa lost to a team that has a mascot, I think. Fuck it, this game is officially gayer than appletinis.

Texas Tech over Oklahoma State - I still don't feel OSU was ever good, so fuck them. You know what, fuck all of college football.

Notre Dame over Pitt - Pittsburg is getting too cocky. Notre Dame, as much as I hate them, are desperate like an Irishman is for pub in a dry county. This means upset.

Michigan over Wisconsin - Fuck the Big 10. Fuck it like the Chiefs fucked Larry Johnson's contract. Can we just end the Big 10 and absorb these teams in other conferences. No one wants to see the fuckers play each other.

Woah, don't hit that back button just yet asshole. Now that basketball has reached it's first week, I've gotta preview some shit. Sit through and enjoy, because this is a sport I can enjoy. Enjoy like a devil's dick full of devil's dandruff. (by the way, check out this website. This is where you're money is going if you go to Indiana)

First on the lineup is Michigan State and Gonzaga who enjoy a friendly in the house Izzo built. I am excited for this one, mainly for the chance to see why the fuck Jay Bilas has the Spartans ranked number one. The other reason is the upset potential. Sure, the potential isn't to high, but it's still there and I would like to have those assholes go down on their second game of the season. No need for animocity against Michigan State, but dammit I hate the Big 10 so much in football that it spreads into basketball. Fuck you too Purdue. In the end, it's hard as fuck to top Izzo at home, so Gonzaga will lose, but it will be interesting to see how both teams play.

Although I hate North Carolina, and their coach, I am interested to see how they do against a team not coached by the Knick's Grim Reaper. They have Ohio State (FUCKING BIG 10) on Thursday in the bucket of buckeyes. By the way, fuck your mascot Ohio State. All it is is an enlarged acorn. Good thing you don't play the team from the State Farm commercials or you'd be fucked. Well, actually, you already are fucked. UNC is stacked as always, as much as I hate to say it, and I will be interested to see how badly they beat the glorified peanuts, and not whether they will. Still, Roy Williams can go eat a stick of lead for all I care. He's an ass.

Here are some other predictions that will come true because I have had a chance to watch every single one of these teams play. I know them better than my own eating habits.

Kansas over Memphis - It's the first game of the year on ESPN and will be entertaining as long as you aren't from Memphis. It'll feel a little too much like Deja Vu to them.

Syracuse over California - I have a theory that west coast teams have no idea how to handle a zone defense. It's a theory I made up on the spot, so it will most likely come true with a vicious dick snapage by the Red-Yellows.

Georgia Tech over Dayton - I'm almost sure that this shouldn't be a special game, but somehow they are both ranked. Tech has this beast of a forward entering his freshman year, so that's the only basis to which I'm concluding this prediction.

And there you have it, the first predictions of the college basketball season. Only one upset, but expect that to change when I get a feel for which teams I hate watching. That means you Purdue. You better watch the fuck out or I will down you every week.

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