November 8, 2009

LIVE BLOG: Jessica Simpson's Former Boyfriend vs. Clifford's Former Caretaker

The Giants-Chargers game just wrapped and the 21-20 result in favor of the Bolts was more satisfying than watching my own team improve to 6-2 and take a healthy lead in the AFC East. I thrive on the misery and shortcomings of Eli Manning, which you probably remember if you read the live blog two weeks ago.

The pleasure of Eli's loss is amplified by the loss coming by the hands of the quarterback who was selected behind him in the 2004 draft. Not to mention that Eli has a superior offensive line and backfield to inflate his numbers, giving the appearance that he's a good quarterback. I could literally rant for hours about this, but I already wrote about it a while back. Glad to see my detailed analysis has finally proven itself.

Alas, I'm sure you're not here to listen to why the Giants suck syphilis'd Chinaman penis. You're here for the live blog of the Eagles-Cowboys game. We promise not to make any jokes about Michael Vick's dog abuse, Tony Romo's dubious heterosexuality and Andy Reid's approach to Mangino-like mass. Psych.

As always, Wilt in Jayhawk blue and Bubb in Trojan cardinal.
5:20 - I am not content with the level of excitement in today's games. I want to see quadruple-reverses, Michael Vick leading an entire drive and...oh...hold on...It's faith hill in a tight black dress. Um, where was I? Regardless, I'm pulling for Donnie McNasty and Roy Williams, because my fantasy team lost to a Greg Olsen eruption and forced me to live vicariously through Wilt's down-to-the-wire matchup.

7:30 - Talking to Terrence Newman before the game is like choosing sex with Rene Zellweger when Megan Fox is available. Please do better NBC.

5:33 - Asante Samuel started out on Miles Austin, who's beginning to generate some attention because of his big play ability. This is bad news for Dallas fans because Samuel has dreads, and Perm followers are quite familiar with our belief in the power of Samson. Dallas punts on its first possession, but not after a Roy Williams catch for a first. Livin' outside the barriers of reality, we are. 

7:40 - First pass of many ends up like a dead bird in front of Maclin, who just so happens to like having sex with dead animals. Next play, and Newman punted the ball back to the Eagles. I consider it a nice gesture. So much happening, because this next play ends up in the hands of some shitty Dallas DB, gift wrapped thanks to Maclin's horrid hands.

5:42 - After starting the drive with a Wildcat formation holding penalty, the Cowboys run a bubble screen down to the three yard line and finish it off with a Wildcat formation touchdown. Offensive coordinators are so original these days!

7:50 - That dog commercial for Bud Light where the dog drives the car makes Brian from Family Guy look like a pussy (cat). Also, USC shout out for the damn kick off specialist, because USC doesn't get enough credit for what it does already. 

5:53 - Damn right. David Beuhler's leg was originally constructed in a NASA lab for the purpose of propelling Apollo 28 to Pluto and reversing the ruling that it isn't a planet. Philly goes three-and-out and we get a Sprint commercial featuring Flavor Flav. Sprint: the worst carrier with the worst spokespeople.

8:00 - How dare you attack Sprint. Those needle dropping commercials were marketing gold. Ah, the 90's. I miss having the orig(inal) Power Rangers on. I was the red one, and this is why I don't have a girlfriend. Something happened for the Cowboys, but I was to busy being nostalgic.

6:02 - Jay Ratliff sacks Donovan McNabb and, as Al Michaels puts it, "salutes himself." I don't think Michaels and I share the same definition for this term, because Ratliff definitely wasn't flexing in front of a mirror while masturbating.

8:06 - The Eagles inexplicably end up with a 3rd and 18, and to make it even more of a challenge, an illegal formation penalty. Whoo for 3rd and 23. Hell of a catch from Jason Avant as Donovan was trying to skip it to him. Avant was having none of this skip pass bullshit and caught it. What an asshole, doesn't he know the Donovan McNabb rulebook

6:18 - The pride of Pittsburgh, LeSean McCoy takes a backfield loss for a 17 yard gain. Future mothers, excluding Caucasians, Asians and middle-easterners, if you want an NFL or NBA superstar for a child, add the prefix Le to his name. LeSean, LeBron and LeTomBrady. It's a proven formula.

8:21 - I have a few more: LeShawne Johnson, LeApollo Anton Ohno, LeShaun White. OLYMPICS. This battle for the East coast supremicy is a heated contest. The cities of Dallas and Philadelphia are almost neighbors at the distance of 80000000 miles and 7 time zones (stats probably not correct). Yes we get it, Jim Johnson is dead. You don't need to reiterate it every game the Eagles play. Thank you. 

6:28 - 6:27 - NBC shows a graphic of the Cowboys' three running backs. Felix Jones is averaging 7.5 yards per carry and is neither starting, nor getting the most carries in this game. WADE PHILLIPS KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING, OKAY? Cowboys punt and we cut to a commercial break with The Steve Miller Band's "Fly Like an Eagle." Clichetastic! 

8:37 - Mike Vick sighting, aaaand a loss of a yard on a dive up the middle. Collinsworth is now talking about how Vick hasn't done anything great. Well, you have to lay low when you're on house arrest asshole. Eagles toss one out to Celek who Nabbs a first down. See what I did there. Nabb = nab. FUCK YES.

6:40 - Donovan McNabb looks depressed every time he takes the snap. His face is forlorn, sweaty and sagging, even though the Eagles have marched the ball down to the Cowboys' 31 with relative success. He's probably just mocking Andy Reid, who has the same expression all the time. Akers converts on a 48 yard field goal and Romo will have the chance to run the one minute and 38 second drill before the half.  

8:50 - Maybe Donovan is feeling an upset stomach, and can't puke on the field because he doesn't have the horrible sight of the Buccaneers staring back at him. Mr. Homo tosses one to Crayton who then runs for a bit and falls over at the 20. Well done Jim Johnson's ghost. Maybe you should get some Jazz Williams ghost to help you out.

6:53 - To my knowledge, Jazz Williams is still alive. The 'Boys are down to the four yard line and Asante Samuel's dreads distort the vision of the officials, preventing what should have been a pass interference penalty. Dallas fails to punch it in and settle for a field goal. Reid tries to freeze Nick Folk on his 22 yard attempt. Or maybe he's just trying to catch his breath from standing on the sideline all game long. 10-6 at the half. I'm going to Subway. Blatant advertising? Maybe. Sponsor the Perm today!

9:03 - Jay Leno show with Penelope Cruz and Sandra Bullock. Don't miss the amazing segments on hot flashes and dormant uteri (plural for uterus). It's time for REALLY? with Seth Meyer and Amy Poehler. REALLY? REALLY?! You call these bitches stars? REALLY?! Green Bay........REALLY?!

7:14 - An Ellis Hobbs kickoff return for a touchdown is called back because of Eagles holding. I hereby suspend my live blogging until my Subway footlong sandwich is finished. Subway. Eat Fresh. 

9:16 - Being FRESHLY sponsored by Subway, I have decided that we have the rights to destroying that commercial with Justin Tuck and Michael SpreGAPTOOTH singing. I would also like the information on how much itallin herbs and cheeses bread gets stuck in that gaping hole. Screen to McCoy who then runs like Tiny Darren down to the 20. Well done Andy Reid. If only your kids had the intuition of yours, they might not be dead or in jail.

9:26 - After an annoyingly long review, a TD pass from Donny to Celek puts the Eagles up 13 to 10. Somewhere in Missouri, Romo's girlfriend cries while being railed doggy style by a Clydesdale. 

9:32 - And the money shot from the horse rape cums at the same time as Tony's pick that led to a pretty long return. Thank you Homo for the fantasy help. 

9:42 - When Andy Reid gets his red flag out, it's fucking ON. Review tahme succas. Of course this is a horrible choice, because he is wasting this challenge, and will gain absolutly nothing considering it was already a leaf's length behind the line. Of course it's confirmed and Reid wastes a timeout. Brilliant. Only needed a inch, and now after that freezing of time, the Eagles jump offsides. Well done Eagles, well fucking done. 

7:49 - In all his 7.5 yards-per-carry glory, takes out Asante Samuel with a knee to the helmet. I can't explain what just happened. He has dreads for extra padding. Felix Jones is just that good, and he's still not carrying the lion's share of the load. Wayyyyyyde Philllllipsssssssssss! 

9:54 - You know who is carrying a lion's share of the load, Homo's girlfriend. Get it because she rails animals and eats their load. A few plays later, Jason Witten pass interferes like the douchebag tight end he is. Could there be anymore of a bland player? Oh yeah, Matt Ryan.

7:57 - I think there's far less beastiality in this game than you give it credit for, Wilt. Jermey Maclin is only one man who played for Mizzou. Donny throws a pick that was intended for said receiver, followed by Maclin pulling the face mask of the defensive back for an extra 15 yards. Dallas is inside the red zone. 

10:05 - We're tied. Homo feels the pressure like his girlfriend's labia feels the pressure of elephant dick, and Tony launches one over Roy William's head. You know what else goes over someones head? Tony's girlfriend receiving a load all over her head from a giraffe's penis. Anyways, they kick a field goal to make it 13-13. 

GIRAFFE PENISES ON THE FIELD. With the ball back, Philly is marching it down the field at inanimate object-like speeds. 

8:33 - Wilt appears to be experiencing technical difficulties, so I'll fill you in on what you've missed. Miles Austin filled his 50-plus yard touchdown reception, putting the Cowboys up by seven and making Wilt's fantasy matchup uncomfortably close. The Eagles, who no longer have any timeouts because Reid refuses to reserve them for the last half of the 4th quarter, are inside Dallas territory. If this game moves into overtime, I might just turn it off. This is the most uninteresting close game I've ever watched.

8:37 - On 3rd and 10, McNabb is brought down on a shoestring tackle. The defender could have blown on him and achieved the same result though. McNabb's mobility as a quarterback is more overrated than Bob Sanders' toughness (for Christ's sake, the guy misses at least half the season every year). Akers knocks through a 52-yarder with his eyes closed. His legs were used when NASA designed Beuhler's apparently.

8:43 - Aaand the game is over. With just over 2 minutes left, Dallas converts for a first down. It's like a game of Madden, where your douchebag opponent breaks the huddle with 25 seconds left on the play clock and just sits under center until it drains down to one before snapping the ball. All because Andy Reid has zero timeouts left.

8:46 - "Unless you have Herm Edwards come in here or Joe Picarcik, the game is over." AL MICHAELS WITH THE HERM SHOUT-OUT! GREAT PART OF THE GAME, OR GREATEST PART OF THE GAME??

8:50 - The battle of the fat, idiotic coaches goes to Andy Reid, which means Dallas wins. Let the verbal raping of Reid begin. Good thing he has cushion for the pushin'. 20-16, Cowboys, who take the lead in the NFC East. Did I just type that?


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