TIGER: I don't know what to do. The media is all over me. This is all spiraling out of control, much like that tee shot I just sprayed down the right side. I don't understand why people are infatuated with this.
JACK: Tiger, stop, you don't have to put on any fronts here. Just you, me, and Arnie.
TIGER: Jack, jesus, I'm not cheating on my wife. That girl was at a club I was at and all I did was talk to her. I didn't even know she was in Australia two weeks ago!
ARNOLD: I'M GONNA STICK MY FOOTJOYS UP BOTH YOUR ASSES IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP WHILE I'M IN MY BACKSWING!!!!
Look, pal, you need to nip this in the bud. You think you're the first golfer to ever get a piece of pussy on the side?
TIGER: What are you talking about?
JACK: Just like we laid the ground work for you to take this game to a new level, Arnie and I were the pioneers of making sure those at the top of the game always had more than one cup to stick their pin in.
ARNIE: AND YOU ARE GONNA FUCK THIS UP FOR THE REST OF US!
JACK: Whoa, calm down, Arnie. Ignore him, Tiger.
JACK: Look, you think you're the first big-time golfer to have a side piece? You can make all the endorsement money you want, pal, but setting up a legacy on the golf course wasn't my only endeavor. I set up the system that makes sure us at the top of golf's pecking order have as much trim as we need. And Arnie and I know tons of pussy around the the world. Do you really think that you are the first golfer to come across a Uchitel?
ARNOLD: WHY DO YOU THINK JACK WON AT AUGUSTA IN '86? I WAS BANGIN' RACHEL'S MOM, AND I SAID JACK COULD HAVE A GO-AROUND IF HE WON!
TIGER: .....is he serious?
JACK: World class blowjobs. Plus, I owed Arnie for the bullshit he pulled in 1960.
ARNOLD: THAT COMEBACK LANDED ME JACKIE KENNEDY AND MARLYN MONROE AT THE SAME TIME! YOU YOUNG KIDS THINK YOUR THREESOMES ARE SO MODERN! I HAD SEX WITH LIZ TAYLOR FOR 14 STRAIGHT HOURS AFTER I WON THE MAS-
JACK: Arnie, calm down, what did I tell you about drinking at 7 a.m., doesn't do you any good.
ARNIE: YOU BETTER FIX THIS! THE LAST THING I WANT IS ME AND JUDI OUTED ON THE FRONT PAGES OF THE TMZ!
JACK: ....Just go sit down, Arnie.
JACK: Sorry, Tiger. Once he got word that people were pouring Sweet Tea Vodka in his drink and calling it a John Daly, he has hit the bottle hard to reclaim the drink's rightful name.
TIGER: Well, whatever, but are you two both serious?
JACK: You think all these courses are just for golf? Why the fuck else would I open a course in Morocco? How do you think Elle even came into your life?
TIGER: She was Jesper Parnevik's nanny?
JACK: HA! Please, do you really think a guy that dresses like that would bring in your fine wife's ass? She was my guest at the '01 open!
TIGER: Wow. I'm floored, Jack. I never knew.
JACK: Yeah, Tiger, that was the point. No one knew. And now because your have every media outlet on your ass, you're in danger of fucking this up. For all of us. Listen to me, go home, don't say shit to the cops, let the wife kick your face around for a little bit if need be, but don't you dare say anything to anyone about an affair. I cherish this MORE than my golf legacy, and since you will probably render me pointless in a few years, you WILL leave this for me, or so help me god, you will find out just how big those oversized drivers can be when I shove them up your ass.
TIGER: You got it, Jack, but after all of this blows over, I can be hooked up with this network of free poon?
JACK: Yes, sure, fine, just shut up for a few god damn weeks.
TIGER: YES! FREE FUCKING PUSSY FOR LIFE! I AM THE MOTHER FUCKING MAN!
ARNOLD: How did he take the news that you banged his wife in the grounds crew shed before she met him in '01?
JACK: I didn't tell him, though I now wish I had since that outburst was heard by the paparazzi in the bushes behind the trap over there. We are so fucked.
ARNOLD: Fuzzy was right, we never should have let blacks in.
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