December 1, 2009

Dick Vitale Writes?! :About the Big 11?

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's Article: Big 10 looks to build prestige.

Wilt Stilts in blue.

Dick Vitale in BOLD BABY!

Will this be the year that the Big Ten breaks through in its challenge against the ACC?

Started off well with Penn State. But then again, they played Virginia. Wait, Virginia has a team? By they way they lost to Penn State, it would have been better off if  Roanoke Island State was playing the Nittanys.

The first decade of this event has been domination city, with the ACC winning all 10 years.

Another domination city, Hiroshima. Another, Nagasaki. TRUMAN WINS!

The claim by many in Big Ten country is that it's the best conference in America this season.

Yeah, everyone in our conference has at least one loss except Purdue which is like saying Kansas was undefeated in football for 5 weeks. WE ARE GOOD. BELIEVE ME.

When you look at the league from top to bottom, starting with Purdue and Michigan State up top, you can make that argument.

Well, you can make the argument, but you'd be wrong. Three teams in the top 25? The Big 12 has the 1 and 2 spots in the nation.

Tom Izzo's team is outstanding despite a loss to Florida. 

Wait? They lost to Florida? Wow. I remember the days when KU beat the Joakim Noah Florida in 2007. That was a real win. This Florida? I can't even name a player from that team.

Teams like Ohio State, Michigan, Illinois and Minnesota all have tasted defeat this season.

And it tastes like rusted iron scaffolding and layers of light anthrax topping.

Trust me, those teams will be heard from all season long.

They all bought megaphones. THEY WILL BE HEARD FROM, YOU HEAR ME! (puts megaphone in front of mouth) YOU HEAR ME?!

The Challenge is not the sole barometer for a league's success,

Yeah, because the national championship is what counts.

but it would go a long way to help build prestige if the Big Ten were able to win.

Let's see. Their prestigious white players? Just like the old days. You play gritty or you play in the ACC or SEC. That's it. (slogan for Big 10 in all sports)

Last year, the Big Ten lost 6-5.

Woah, only one game. Why couldn't Tyler Hansbrough just play for every ACC team, amiright Dick?

The ACC has made it look like it's clearly the best, but the Big Ten could finally turn the tables.  

Just like DJ Hero.

There are a number of interesting matchups. 

Yeah, Michigan State and UNC aaand Iowa and Virginia Tech? No, no they mostly suck.

Let's start with Michigan State at North Carolina.

No I want Iowa Virginia Tech. Hookies and Hawkeyes. Battle of the made up bird names!

The Tar Heels are reloading and it was struggle city against Nevada on Sunday as Roy Williams earned win No. 600.  

Struggle city? Detroit? JaMarcus Russel?

This Spartans team is a veteran bunch and this is an opportunity to avenge last season's two losses, including the championship game.

And you better believe KU will avenge the two losses against the veterans on Michigan State this year.

Veterans like Kalin Lucas, Durrell Summers and Raymar Morgan have to step up against the young Tar Heels.

Kalin is a girls name, Raymar has been at MSU for like 80 years now, and I don't know, nor care, who Durrell Summers is, but fuck seasonal last names. Except Dionte Christmas. He's cool.

It will not be easy in Chapel Hill, but it should be a great battle.

Literally in Chapel Hill. They have a fallout bunker in the hill for the special students. They're having a Magic the gathering battle.

Duke has never lost in the Challenge, and Coach K's team goes to Madison to meet the Badgers of Wisconsin.

So your saying they won't lose again?

Nobody talks about the Badgers and they are consistent in the way they play under Bo Ryan.

So they are gonna lose?

He is one of the most underrated coaches in America.

Underrated like Bill Self. That man sure can coach. Did you know he won a championship? Did you know there was basketball past the Mississippi River?

The Blue Devils shot under 30 percent against Connecticut last week, but rebounding and defense keyed a big win in the NIT Preseason championship.

So your saying that a well coached team didn't lose despite a poor shooting percentage. WOAH! This is fucking mind blowing. Had no idea that in college, the better coached team wins 89% of the time.

Wake Forest lost over the weekend to William and Mary, and now Purdue is a difficult challenge.

The real challenge is the Buffalo Wild Wings Blazing challenge. Mangino couldn't even pull it off.

Matt Painter's team won a thriller over Tennessee recently in the final of a tournament in the Virgin Islands.

You could say Matt Painter raped the Vols in the Virgin Islands.

Robbie Hummel & Co. are off to a solid start.

So their stock has risen to 5 bucks a share. DON'T DROP THAT SHIT!

Illinois is coming off back-to-back losses to Utah and Bradley. 

Yep, and the Ilini also took back to back losses with the Indian Removal Act and the naming of the Cleveland Indians.

Bruce Weber's squad

Won't be good without Bill Self's recruits ever again?

will be tested by Trevor Booker and Clemson. 

Fuck. So much damn orange. It will be like a sorority house that has free access to a free spray-on tanner.

The Tigers closed out their trip to the 76 Classic with a win over Butler on Sunday night. 

Butler, where only the best British accents make it out into the rich-asshole service industry.

Minnesota and Miami meet in an interesting showdown.

Almost as interesting as the New Orleans and New England game. Or the Kansas vs Kentucky game. Or the Alliteration vs Alliteration game.

Frank Haith's Hurricanes have been a pleasant surprise and the addition of transfer Malcolm Grant has been a major positive.

A pleasant surprise like Hurricane Andrew?

I was impressed with their win over South Carolina. 

Why? It's fucking South Carolina. You couldn't look better if you played a willow tree.

Also keep an eye on the Florida State-Ohio State contest.

Can't, I've got two eyes and don't know how to permanently wink. I guess I could stand in front of a mechanical football thrower.

Evan Turner has been one of the premier players in America.

So premiere, he opened up his house for the opening of NINJA ASSASSSIN.  Three S's because it's awesssome.

The Seminoles got a big win over Marquette in the final of the Old Spice Classic.

But the real question is, are they men?

It should be a great competition.

What about Iowa and Virginia Tech?

We will see if the Big Ten can take this challenge.

IOWA? VIRGINIA TECH? SCHOOL SHOOTINGS? UNDERPRIVILEGED KIDS? All of the above, not a part of Dick's story. I'm disappointed in you Dick. I expect more. "Big 10" and "challenge" should never be used in the same sentence.

No comments:

Post a Comment