December 4, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: championship weekend

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

I know you are fiending for some FASA right now. I left for one damn week, and now your all, "wheres my fix Wilt" and "WHERES MY FIX FAGGOT." I know you've missed this, and to make this special occasion (conference championships)  even more special, now you have a happy and completely non delusional Wilt. This Wilt has no regrets for a 5-7 season. That Fatshole is gone. Fuck him sideways on the way out Tyshawn. And we have a Biletnikoff winner coming back. (sees ESPN headlines)

FUUUUCK! (Curses god. Thinks of reasons to live. Realizes basketball team) Goddammit. If this were a facebook status and I were a douche, FML. But since it's not, and I'm not, FUGGERS. (reaches in black leather bag, finds syringe of porcupine blood, injects in pupil). This achieved nothing. Now my eye just fucking hurts. Well, now that my right eye is blind, lets begin talking about the SEC championship, and put this blind eye to use on the refs who got them there.

Biggest game of the year. EVER. This is what CBS would like you to think. What I'd like you to think is of how much offense won't happen. It'll be like they are wading through water in Superdome. Or maybe wading through refuges. Tebow will try to use his Jesus powers, but to no avail, because Nick Saban is Satan (© LSU and Miami Dolphins fans).

If you are staring at the total points in Vegas and thinking about doing the over, don't. Just fucking don't. Both these teams run the ball, and that's it. And guess what? Both stop the run. The only dilemma that is worse than that is coke or crack. Run the ball and get stuffed like Vincent Shiancoe's latest girl, or pass and look like a team of Jake Delhommes.

My best guess for the outcome is racism. Racism will win. This is the south and in the south, black face is still popular. As for the game, Florida. Probably by a needle thin lead, but a win is a win. Have fun in the championship Tebow, and promise me you get inside Erin Andrews just once. Please? And impregnate her too. That would be a perfect child, a child we could worship on 12/20/2012.

Now, Big East. Go fuck yourself. Spoiler alert. Cincy wins. Yay. No doubter, but with my luck lately, Pitt will win, and I will become an alcoholic. Actually that second part is well on it's way.

Big 12, also fuck yourself. Nebraska is entering this game with half the appendages needed to stay within 30 points of Texas. Texas wants pad their resume, and fuck Nebraska, because they have some gay ass semi rivalry. Fuck prestigious football schools. You have all the fun.

Last, the ACC championship, sponsored by Dr. Pepper. That means it's the one I like to most. I am a huge fan of Dr. Pepper, but mix that shit with coke (soda) and coke (drug) and you have yourself some Poke, and you will have a hard time holding that nut when you sip it. Anyways, this is my only chance of getting a conference champion right from my pre-season guesses. SO, go Ga Tech. I love triple options. That's having three dimes staring you down at the bar, and then ignoring one, faking to the other, and hitting the hole of the third. Never done it, but sounds like something Tyga Woods would do. Plus, Clemson was my school I wanted to go to but couldn't afford, so fuck'em. If they can't have me, then you can't have a ACC championship.

Anyways, we are deep into the basketball and football seasons. It's way too much to be held within one post, so for your convenience, I have decided to do move the basketball predrugtions into a separate post on Mondays, or something. You'll just have to see because I don't know when it will happen, it will just happen. So stay tuned, AND VOTE ASSHOLE. I SEE YOU NOT VOTING. YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR ACTIONS AND DO SUCH. Anyways, have fun with the Championshit weekend, and try to stay out of a ditch with a handle of patron in your pants. It's a bad situation. Herm agrees.

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