Early Tuesday morning: Tom Brady opens the door to his five-story Boston penthouse wearing a custom pinstriped Gucci suit and, for some reason, carrying a black briefcase.
Tom (sounding quite forlorn): Honey, I'm ho-
Gisele (standing at the top of the staircase in the foyer): What kind of batshit pussy performance was THAT? Do you really think that it's okay for you to take your modelesque face into that blighted city and get shown up by someone who has a PERMANENT SHITSTAIN on his face? YOU'RE A STETSON MODEL, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
Tom: Baby, please. It was loud and humid and sweaty and Randy's beard was so hideous that I coul-
Gisele: Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? I've walked runways in NON-AIR CONDITION TENTS in the New York City SUMMER HEAT. And did I bitch and moan when Leo made me feed little ugly black babies and endure God's geographical FUCK-UP, better known as AFRICA? NO. I LEFT THE SORRY BASTARD. I MEAN, HOW TREE HUGGING HARD IS IT TO JUST DROP A BIG BOX OF RAMEN NOODLES AND LET THOSE FATTIES FIGURE IT OUT ON THEIR OWN?
Tom: I know that was so hard boo boo, believe me, I kn-
Gisele: NO. You have no IDEA what it's like to SLEEP ON A TWIN-SIZED MATTRESS WITH NO BUTLER, NO BLOW-DRYER AND A SHIT-FOR-BRAINS HUSBAND WHO COULD CARE LESS ABOUT HOW MISERABLE YOU ARE. Fucking PRIORITIES, Tom.
Tom: I'm so sorry, my Brazilian bumble bee. Tommy will play better against the Dolphins next week. I promise. The last thing I want to do is embarrass my baby bumpty-kins on national TV.
Gisele: I'll tell you what's embarrassing. While you're off partying in God-forsaken shantytowns, I have to go outside BY MYSELF looking like KATHY FUCKING BATES. I'm about ready to ABORT THE SHIT OUT OF THIS THING.
this late in the process, but he passed away not too long ago. Listen gee-gee-ba-ba-bookie-bam, if I promise not to embarrass myself against teams with hideous players, will you forgive me?
Gisele: Fine. Now get your spygating ass into bed. This pussy isn't going to eat itself.