Saturday 'Shoppin

Today we do Lance Stephenson.

I LOVE LAMP

I don't really understand anything going on with this story anymore. Let's put the whole gay thing on the back burner, although Ronaiah Tuiasosopo basically just told the world he is gay, setting back gay rights approximately 10 years. ALL THAT'S ON THE BACK BURNER.

So, Ronaiah and Manti Te'o' knew each other, right? It said so in the Deadspin article. Can we stop thinking that this was just Ronaiah's idea. The stories of the Tuiasosopo's don't even mesh anymore. His cousin Tino, who is female despite the name, said she did some of the voices on the calls. But now Ronaiah is saying he was the one talking to, and falling in love with Manti? This is why there are no Hawaiian mob members. They have no idea how to keep a story straight.

Anyways, here is the big quote from Dr. Phil.

This guy thinks things are retarded.

JOE FACKIN FLACCO HERE. JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW, THAT OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE, I CAN YELL ALL I WANT. I TOLD MY WIFE, WHO IS CURRENTLY BEING AN ON-THE-RAG BITCH, THAT I DO WHAT I WANT, SO LONG AS SHE DOESN'T HEAR, SEE OR FEEL IT.

NOW, IN REGARDS TO THIS SUPER BOWL, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS FOR LETTING ME SCREAM AT PELICANS. THANK YOU. SUCH A GREAT CITY TO HOST A FOOTBALL CHARADE. THAT'S RIGHT. A CHARADE. THAT'S FRENCH FOR PUSSY PLAY. BECAUSE NEXT YEAR, WHEN I'M HERE AGAIN, CLEARLY, THE SUPER BOWL WILL BE IN THAT FACKIN RETARD TOWN OF NEW YORK. LIKE, WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO AROUND HERE TO GET SOME SUNNY WEATHER AND PELICANS?

OH, SO YOU MEDIA OUTLETS DON'T LIKE MY USE OF THE WORD "RETARD." WELL, DEAL WITH IT. I JUST MADE THE SUPERBOWL. MY GAMES AT ANOTHER LEVEL, AND NOW MY INTERVIEWS ARE AT ANOTHER LEVEL, BOTH IN VOLUME AND VULGARITY. I LIVE MY LIFE IN THE 3 V'S. VULGARITY, VOLUME, VAGINA RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY. THE THIRD ONE OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE I AM A PRACTICED OBGYN IN THE BALTIMORE AREA. SOMETHING I QUIT THIS YEAR, BECAUSE I'M DONE PUSSY FOOTBALLING AROUND. I'M HERE TO MAKE HISTORY.

FIRST HISTORY TO BE MADE. I LIKE FAGGOTS. I'M PRO GAY AS SHIT. DEAL WITH IT MEDIAS. I'M NOT AFRAID TO PULL OUT A QUICKY ON YOU LIKE A SAILOR AND A CONSTRUCTION WORKER IN THE BATHROOM OF THE VILLAGE PEOPLE CONCERT.

SECOND HISTORY: EVOLUTION IS BULLSHIT. YOU KNOW WHY. BECAUSE THERE ARE FAGGOTS. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. IT JUST DOESN'T HAVE ANY EVOLUTIONARY REASONING TO STILL EXIST IN HUMAN SOCIETY. HOW YOU LIKE THAT MEDIAS.

THIRD AND FINAL HISTORY: RAY LEWIS DIDN'T USE STEROIDS. HE'S JUST NOT HIDING HIS GAYNESS THAT WELL. ALL THE CUM HE DRINKS AROUND THE LOCKER ROOM DEFINITELY SHOWS UP ON A PED TEST. NO DOUBT. SPEAKING OF NO DOUBT, NO DOUBT I WOULD TAG TEAM GWEN STEFANI IN A BATHROOM WITH A HOWLER MONEY. THAT SHIT WOULD BE BANANAS. B. A. N. A. N. A. S.

I CALL THIS MEETING ADJOURNED. FLACCO OUT.

Lady's face talks. No relevant information contributed.

This girl, Diane O'Meara, talked on the Today Show ... today. Why does it matter? It doesn't. She was just someone who had their photos taken on facebook. That's not something new. I'm pretty sure somewhere in Europe, they are using a fabulous photo of me to sell Cadbury Eggs. It's not a big deal. I wouldn't go on the Today Show and tell people how I got defamed by the Cadbury Egg corporation.

 "I don't even like milk chocolate. I'm a dark chocolate kind of man. As in I like very dark black women. What were we talking about again? Oh, and I don't like eggs, because I don't want to impregnate them. Very dark black woman eggs. So, how's your day going Matt Lauer?"

GHOST GIRLFRIEND: VIABLE OPTION

I'm still waiting for someone to release a screenshot (probably photoshopped, but at this point what's the difference) of Manti Te'o's Facebook page with his relationship status set to "it's complicated." By now you've likely heard the story, been perplexedly amused, acted aloof to at least one friend who hasn't seen Catfish, and tweeted a joke or two about Te'o being a loser/idiot/virgin (or combination of the three). I did, anyway.

Lennay Kekua giving Tyler Durden a blowjob

However, having a fake/online-only/ghost girlfriend isn't all bad. For one, they're free; no fancy dinners, extravagant gifts or expensive trips to Planned Parenthood for some Plan B. They don't get pissed when you forget to call/text or decide to watch porn instead of skyping them goodnight. They can have the perfect figure, a supermodel face, or even be bi-racial because WHO CARES YOU MADE THEM UP, FULL CREATIVE LICENSE.

I'm not saying that Te'o went about his dating life in the best manner, but I feel like there are worse options than dating a GHOSTLADY. So, without further ado, here are three examples:

Vincent Smith's recollection of Clowney's hit.

What you see above is the horrific incident that Michigan running back Vincent Smith went through. This is his story ...

PUSSIES

OH SHIT, GIANT KITTEN.

On Saturday, the Denver Broncos took a loss to the Ravens due to an overwhelming case of VAGINITIS. I was toying with putting a large vagina in the background of these two, but on second thought chose to put a kitten. Mostly because of how vulgar a giant vagina would look. Don't worry, I still made that photoshop. For my own edification, of course. *jerks off ferociously*

Lance Armstrong is going to retroactively not lie tonight?

I'm sorry for smoking pot before this picture

Tonight, Lance Armstrong is going to apologize for being a bad liar for the past however many years. And Oprah is doing it, for some reason. Is it on the O channel or something? I'm still a bit fuzzy on the details. Just had a blood transfusion. I'm breathing so well right now. I FELL LIKE A FUCKING FIGHTER JET ENGINE IN HUMAN FORM.

Anyways, I don't have an idea how they will long they will draw this apology out for, but my guess is that it's a 30 minute Oprah thing. I have no idea how they will fill that time. Probably with more apologies.

Gettin' ParLaid: SO MUCH SYMMETRY

Congrats folks, you've made it through the drudgery of another work week without setting your hair (or office building) aflame. I guess that means it's time to burn through some cash (looks like this weekend is off to a pleasant pyromaniacal theme). Speaking of flaming-hot sensations, that one on your loins is a good thing: it means you've been having copious amounts of bareback sex. (puts on rubber gloves) High five!

Chudzinski (n) - To settle for, or fall back upon.

Hello, my name is PC, and I hate apple products.

This must just be chudderly disappointing for Browns fans. This guy is a real stick in the chud, if you know what I'm saying. Cleveland almost had Chip Kelly and then chuddenly they are stuck with this guy. Honestly, we chudn't even believe it. It's seems like a joke. Cleveland really mischudged their coaching prospects. If they are stuck with this guy, It must have been a shallow chud of applicants filing in to HR at Browns HQ. Oh, god, the pun gun is misfireinCHUD. Dear, god. Oh the CHUDmanity. Women, CHUDlren. All of them being CHUDed down in the streets. We have to chudle around it to block it from the innocent civilians.

Oh, thank god. It's been restrained.

God, I love the word chud. Sounds like the sound that comes from a mortar firing out of its tube. CHUD. Or when a fat person jumps in a bath tub. Or when you use a basketball as a volley ball and try to spike it. That's what Chud sounds like. I had to get the skinny, so I went to Urbandictionary.com to find a true definition.

A point of view: Thoughts from Herman Sanders

Today we have a special guest, Herman Sanders, retiree, bringing his thoughts about sports and life.

My grandchildren, Marie and Steve, both like to call me Paps, and I would really hope that one day, all of you could call me that. I will start out by listing my achievements, so you can get better acquainted with me so you can respect my judgment for future writings.

• I was born in 1954
• I was born in Council Bluffs, Iowa
• My favorite color as a child was blue
• I played catcher in baseball all through high school
• My first job out of high school was working textiles
• With money from my first job, I purchased baseball cards that included Sandy Koufax

Now that you know a little about me, now I'm going to give you a few thoughts about the Hall of Fame inductions, or lack there of.

TODAY IS AWFUL

NFL playoff time is always filled with mixed emotions for me. It's the exponentially steep slope at which the excitement of the season climaxes, which is nice, but I can't help but think about will happen come February 4. What follows the end of the football season is pretty much a month of meaningless basketball (during which time I will attempt to feign interest by gambling on the games and inevitably depleting a large portion of my bank account), then MARCH MADNESS (over-aggressively fervent gambling that, most likely, will yield the same damage to my net worth), another month of meaningless NBA action (no gambling because of Lent. Just kidding, I have no idea when Lent is, I'm Jewish), then NBA playoffs (excuse to grow facial hair and claim "playoff beard.").

This is my long-winded way of saying I want to hold onto the next month as tightly as possible. Like Will Smith when he love-suffocated his dog in I Am Legend.


See that? Are you crying yet? If not, you're about to...

TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION

From the song, TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION, by WRATH HAMMER BLOOD

WATCH FOR THE SAFTEY
*in unison* TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION
WATCH OUT FOR THE GROUND
*in unison* TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION
NO ONE COMES OUT SAFELY
*in unison* TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION
PREPARE FOR THE POUND
*in unison* TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION

Congrats everyone who took the over last night.

In a town with a team like the Miami Heat, you wouldn't on any given night think that they would be the third most hated team in that town, but last night they were. If we were to have a terrorist attack, and god forbid we don't but if we do I BLAME OBAMACARE, I would have preferred it be a nuke in Miami last night. Takes care of the Heat, Irish, and Rolling Tide. Also, I'd like to see a stagnant tide. If Alabama are the rolling tide, and they are elephants, does that mean the stagnant tide would be a clam? I don't know.

Anyways, there is so little to talk about from this game I'm getting skewed from my point of this article, which is ... IS THAT A BIRD OUTSIDE. I'M GONNA PUT A BIRD ON IT.

A.D.D. ACTIVATED - I NEED HOT CHICKS.

Welcome, the new Lakers front court.

Here comes the best front court in the Los Angeles are not named the Clippers. Both Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol are now out. Both, because of severe hurtfeelingitis. They contracted it from Kobe Bean Bryant who was being a real meanie head to them. Sources close to the situation are reporting that Kobe called Dwight a, and I quote, "Fatty fat, McCan't Make a Post Move." This sent Howard into a deep depression, eventually leading to him trying to kill himself by jumping head first off a step stool, leading to a shoulder injury.

Gasol was injured trying to beat the voices out of his head on a mirror in the Lakers bathroom, sustaining a concussion. The psych ward is telling us that the voices were Kobe's, and were chanting "YOU'LL NEVER BE YOUR BROTHER."

The Lakers now turn to Antawn Jamison at the power forward, who is known to have the shortest vertical by any black guy ever. At center, they turn to Jordan Hill, who is also known to have a short vertical, and also, the worst hair in the league. Both are terrible, and just emphasize the horrendous team that is the 2013 Lakers. I love this NBA season.

More like Flip Kelly...

It was all gonna be peachy. Browns have a new coach, who was going to make them interesting for the first time in 15 years. Kelly was finally gonna pursue the job that would make him attain his goal, having a shot to be number 1. Sure as hell ain't doing it at Oregon. They could win every game by 60 next year and still not get into a championship game. That's because the BCS mafia are RACIST. AGAINST THE SAMOANS. Instead, he's going back to Oregon.

Now, the Browns lean towards more conventional means of picking a coach, like getting one from Syracuse or Rutgers, or Louisville, or basically any Big East school. They're all available. Especially UCONN's head coach. They won't even have a conference in a few years. He'd probably pay you to be your coach. Think of all the money you could save Cleveland. Put that towards something useful. Like a Vespa. Or a Lebron James ever-burning memorial in downtown Cleveland. Or drafting another Big 12 quarterback who is incapable of completing passes. Might I suggest this one?

Gettin' Par-Laid: NFL Playoffs Divisional Round

For many, Friday is the day of the week we all yearn for. It's the bikini-clad supermodel that makes all the other days of the work week seem like Rebel Wilson. Except Thursday. Thursday is Zosia Mamet because she's almost super bangable but not quite there. Yes, I watch "Girls" and have a thing for the Jews. Fuck you.

Friday is also payday. So, it is only appropriate that the reoccurring series where we take your hard-earned coin and turn it into greater amounts of (slightly easier-earned) coin would debut on a Friday. It's not gambling if you're always right.

Plus, it's the weekend. The weekend means sex. Sex with your Significant Other, Anonymous Sex, Animal Costume Sex, One-Night-Stands, Gangbangs, Swingers Parties, and old-fashioned Dating (UGH, SO EXPENSIVE). Indulging in one of these individual sex acts, like betting on a single sports game, is fun. Thrilling, even. But when piggybacked with others will blow your Pituitary gland to kingdom come. I know...phrasing.

So, without further ado, let's get you Par-Laid.

What?

You know, some people might have regrets about photoshopping a photo like this just for a shitty pun, but I sure don't. I have no respect for judgment. This right here makes me laugh. It's god damn Chocolate Chip Kelly. I don't think I've loved anything more in my life. If my wife were pregnant, and this came out of her, I would pass out. Because of proudness. I'm so proud of this creation.

Not that it means anything, but I seems like CCK (Chocolate Chip Kelly) is going to the Browns. You heard it here first, or on twitter or something. But pretty sure it's happening. I've got sources. Warm, gooey, fresh out of the oven sources.

And he won the Fiesta bowl last night. With all this Chip Kelly news, I had to do it. If I had the proper software to turn this into a gif where the Chip Kelly heads spin, I would literally die of pride/dizziness.

It's Cool Arizona. I've Got Your Proof.

There it is ladies and gentlemen. I have the first proof that Tad Boyle is being a little whiny bitch. He's still touching it. It's not the only angle I have either. Click below to find some more juicy "Colorado is a bunch of fucking babies," goodness. You legalized pot. Get over yourselves. You have plenty to look forward to when you get home. Like watching Goonies at 4 a.m.

Prease Don't Reave Olegon, Chip Kerry!

Looks like Oregon's victory in the Fiesta Bowl may not be the only happy ending Chip Kelly gets...

Can BBQ replace Philly Cheese Steaks?

Not with theses walrus lips. Can you imagine how much more splatter will spray into this stache when he's at Arthur Bryant's BBQ. There's not enough paper printed at the Denver mint to wipe Andy Reid's body after he gets into a bowl of barbecue sauce and burnt ends.

Reid's primed, and perfect for Kansas City. The town of Kansas City, not so much the football team from Kansas City. If you commissioned a painter to paint a typical white guy from Kansas City, you'd get Andy Reid. I mean, the unnecessary and gross mustache is a staple of Kansas City. And by the way, why is it that fat guys insist on having moustaches? Like it's somehow going to improve you metabolism because of the added lip weight.

Hello.

Didn't see you there.

No, of course I did. Why else would I be balls-deep in a Turkish call girl in the middle of an elementary school book fair?

If you didn't quite follow that metaphor: the book fair is this blog, the girl is you and I'm...me. I think. You're welcome.

It's been a wild ride since I last PERM'D, as Wilt and I refer to it. My celebrity status peaked as a Web Redemption on Tosh.0, and since then I've mostly been gambling my appearance fee money away. This leads me to my next two updates:

A.) I will be incorporating a significantly higher amount of gambling-related content.
2.) I am broke, so please share this post with your friends because pageviews pay shit, but it's still more than THE PARLAY-WRECKING INABILITY OF THE PACKERS' DEFENSE TO STOP ADRIAN PETERSON.

Hopefully our former readers will be excited about our return, but if I had to guess, I'd bet most of them are jobless substance abusers whose internet access has been relegated to a computer at the public library.

Which sucks because our URL is probably blocked for the assumed sexual content.

Happy Perming, and I'll see you in the comments section. As always, pants optional.

Herm's Perm Redux

We're firing this bad bitch back up today. Seems sudden, and random, but when it comes to New Years  resolutions I don't quaver. I don't know how it's going to look from now on. Stories could be sporadically posted, or come in heaps, or I could end a sentence with a preposition like I just did. Who knows. All I know is I will give efforts. If it's your first time, I'll explain why this is called Herm's Perm. Although you should already know, because at one point we were shown on ESPN. So fuck you for not knowing. This isn't on us.

Anyways, the theme of the blog formed quite a few years ago. Bubb and I were doing freestyling by ourself to instrumentals from rap songs. As most freestyles by white guys go, it was random and awkward. And out of one of those awkward white rhymes came a terrible rap line.

"If Obama had a perm he wouldn't win . . . or maybe Herm . . . Edwards."

It wasn't til later that we started this sports blog, and out of pure unadulterated randomness, we had to choose the most inside of inside jokes to label our blog. Herm's Perm. And people continue to question that decision daily, and yet we hold steady. Because photoshopping perms onto Herm Edwards' head never gets old. Never.