Really...Navy?

Wow. Just fucking wow.

Navy...

I know, they are America's defense and all, so a win for them is a win for the country. That's great, but wow. Mizzou couldn't even handle a school that is in the independent league?

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's Article: Conference USA has Improved

Wilt in italics.

Dick in bold.

Conference USA has turned into a very interesting league this season. My friends, for several years it was Memphis leading the way and everybody else far behind them.

Temple-UCLA live blog

If you started reading this because you actually thought it was going to be a live blog of the Temple-UCLA EagleBank Bowl, go fist yourself. Get John Cheney in pads, and then we'll talk.

I actually put every piece of sports news or gossip that has materialized in the last week in a hat and drew one because whatever I randomly chose would be better than watching the fucking EagleBank Bowl.

Apparently the academics at world-renowned Quinnipiac University released a new, totally ground-breaking national poll* today that showed most people want college football to scrap the BCS and move to a playoff system.

[*It should be noted that results of the poll may be intentionally skewed due to Quinnipiac's bitterness over being left out of the BCS.]

Quinnipiac also released a poll that showed most people would rather sit down to a steak and potatoes dinner than get nailed to a cross and thrown in a river by their mother-in-law.

I mean, seriously. I hope not a single dollar was spent developing and executing that poll.

From the Associated Press:

"College football fans are not in love with the current system in which two teams that play for the national championship are picked by computers, sportswriters and coaches," said Peter Brown, assistant director of the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute. "Settle the question on the field, voters say more than two-to-one."

I'm... I'm... speechless. That is all.

To catch a predator: Spread Offense

(Chris Hanson standing in an empty room with the lights out)

Tonight on Dateline, a disturbing trend among the ranks of college football. People have been beat, racisted, and yelled at. Young 20 somethings, working on their degree by way of football have received more than just a scholarship at the universities they choose. They have found some frightening experiences.

(lights turn on)

Those experiences all come down to one thing, Spread Offense.

(cut to interview with Michael Crabtree)

Welp, my decade sucked

With less than a week left in the first decade of the 21st century -- only the second full decade of my life -- and just slightly more than two years left until the end of the world, I've been reflecting on my decade in sports. I long ago came to the conclusion that I'm not athletic and my teams are terrible, but, upon additional review, I'm not even sure Enron had a worse decade than me. My sports-decade has been one big fucking facepalm, so much so that it was worthy of that crappy alliteration.

In March of 2002, I won the St. Margaret Mary three-point shootout. I was, theoretically, the best eighth grade three-point shooter in the city that attended a Catholic grade school*. Sometime after that, the Creighton Bluejays upset fifth-seeded Florida in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. I was riding high.

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Let's talk about bowls

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

I'm sure you've been in suspense for the past week waiting for the FASA. Bowls have come and gone, and yet still no FASA. But, let me just list off the names of these bowls: R+L Carrier New Orleans bowl, St. Petersburg bowl by Beef 'O' Brady's, and the New Mexico bowl (now featuring teams not from New Mexico!).

You know you've made too many bowls when you can't make up interesting names for the bowls, and just rely on the geographical positioning in the naming process. That's why I haven't been giving you predictions, because really, who cares if Wyoming upsets Fresno St. That's right, no one. These games have been worse bowls than ditch weed, and therefore I haven't blessed them with my predictions, but now we get into the good shit.

Battle of the year. Cannan vs Wilt

This was a game that will be remembered for centuries to come. Little Kid Cudi's will tell of the day where Jim Brown's record for most rushing yards in one game was shattered by the Kansas City defense (and Jerome Harrison). Little Tim McGraw's in Kansas City will remember this day as Black Sunday, where not only did they have to go to church at nine in the morning, but then wouldn't even have the satisfaction of watching Jamaal Charles become Priest Holmes Jr.

Let's play "find the basketball game in Jerry's giant stadium" (a Horns-Heels liveblog)

Could it be any more obvious that Jerry Jones is struggling to recover all the debt that he created when he built his new castlestadium? I can't wait 'til it hosts the NCAA baton-twirling championships! I watched several dome-hosted basketball games in my freshman year at Syracuse and for those of you who are unfamiliar with that set up, they place rafters at midfield that basically cut the space in half so people can actually see the game from their seats. I guess only Texans are dumb enough to pay for a seat so far away that they are technically in Louisiana.

Bubb, who thinks UNC will emerge victorious, will be writing in red.


Wilt, who can't seem to follow the trend of Texas teams playing horribly in their Jerrystadium debut (Cowboys, Longhorns football) and thinks the Horns will win, will write in blue.


Lets begin.

Dick Vitale Writes?! - John Cheatapari

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's Article: Calipari matches Rupp for best start. 

Wilt in italics.

Dick in bold.

When John Calipari looked at his early-season schedule, he had to feel that the three-game stretch against North Carolina, Connecticut at Madison Square Garden and at Indiana was going to be a bumpy road.

Like driving over a road constructed of great blue whales. 

Bobby Knight: Regular reader of the Perm?

As you know, if you are loyal follower, I have a viscous and life shortening hate towards John Calipari. I have stated it more than twice, and yet the media has made no comment. Surely, a blog with the massive readership this one does should have the capability to bring up ideas that result in reasonable questions. I'm like Glenn Beck. I'M JUST ASKING QUESTIONS. Also asking questions, albeit months later than I was, is my newest favorite retired basketball coach/announcer Bobby Knight.

The Colts' (white?) supremacy

(With the Colts leading the Jaguars 35-31 and 2:06 left to play, Indianapolis' undefeated season is being seriously threatened by an impending Jags drive. Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark converse on the sideline.)

Manning: Hay Dayluhss, why wasn't you at my poker tourneyment on Mondee?

Abusive Coaches Anonymous

In a local Tampa Bay high school locker room, three figures are seen sitting in folding chairs, all facing each other. They sip coffee and nibble on stale danishes while discussing sports, their wives' cooking and other inconsequential topics. Suddenly, the door is violently thrown open, revealing an aryan-looking man in a green polo and visor.

Leavitt: OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE! JIMMYBOY'S HERE! Shit, this is one sorry-looking pack of pussies. I have to waste an hour of my Friday night for the next 10 weeks with you assholes? (throws hat on ground). DAG GUMMIT!

Domestic violence at Missouri?

That can't be true? Missouri is home to the most laid back, dogooders around. There is no way that such an even could occur in such a quaint town of noble academia.

Jesus, that was hard to write. Even in sarcasm, I can't seem to pull myself to say nice things of the doucheoholics over the state line. If you've been following on deadspin, then well done. You are ahead of the grove, but I want to dive deeper into an increasing problem in the University of Missouri and the state in general. Let's talk about white trash.

Steve Young's concussions recede

I watched a significant portion of tonight's Monday Night Football matchup. I, like the majority of the nation outside of fagland (currently known as San Francisco), expected the BornagainWarners and AnquanFace-Offs to romp the Michael CrabHoldouts. Holy Jee Willikers, we miscalculated (and just look at that smile!).

I would like to take this moment to acknowledge the Cardinals irrefutable self-assertion to the leading position of Schizophreneteam. Commit yourself to the nearest NFL psychologist at your convenience.

Don Draper selling tactics: Notre Dame's mess

(Don walks into home)

Betty Draper: (in a slightly pissed off, but still quiet and reserved tone) Don, you had a phone call.

Don: What? (30 minutes of staring) Who called? (reaches into liquor cabinet and pulls out a fine bourbon)

Turnering a new stone

Just released tonight, from multiple sources, was the name of the University of Kansas' new coach. This time, instead of beating anorexia, we are beating racial profiling, and I love it. A perfect fit. He is a square peg in a square hole. He has the resume, the recruiting of Texas, and player management. Probably the best reason he fits in here, though, is that we already know he looks great..

Ingram wins, white people cry.

The media has spoken. But, the people haven't, and guess what America, you don't get to. Is it unfair? Yes. Is it un-American? Yes. Does the media really deserve the right to make a judgment? No.

This is why. The Heisman voting system is a fucked up collaboration of douchebags (Jay Marrioti) all of which care more about tradition and total wins, over the players with the stats and the better seasons. Sure, Ingram was great, but Toby Gerhart was a fucking killer. He out ran Ingram by 200 yards, and did so by almost double the touchdowns. Without such a presence in the backfield, Stanford wouldn't be bowling, and Jim Harbaugh's name wouldn't have been atop the top of the KU coaching list.

Random skanks were fine, but now Tiger's crossed a line.

Call me the rhymenocerous, bitches. Tiger Woods' (and anyone else's) personal life is none of my business. And it's none of your business. And, really, as fascinating as it might be to see someone who was on top of the world fall so incredibly far and look so incredibly human (and by human, I mean whorish), I don't really care all that much. And fuck ETSMPZN (that's ESPN with TMZ mixed in there, you see?).

Of course Tiger was getting some side poon. When you break it down, does that really shock anyone all that much? Now, the scope of this scandal is one thing, but what athlete isn't cleaning his pipes behind his wife's back? The number is probably something like 75 percent. This is why Derek Jeter just didn't get married. He can smash any random slag he wants and no one cares!

Look ma! Just got out of our pampers

This is a post reminding you that we are moving to www.hermsperm.net. It will be happening within the hour. I know, I know. You want to help, but we tried that already, and you failed. It's ok though, we still love you. In fact, it's this affection we have towards you that is causing us to make these changes.

Hunter Lawrence smashes not only attractive girls, but also sportswriters' theories.

Hey, folks. I'm going to write for this site now, so I'll apologize in advance. I'm just doing it to enhance my resume. And my chick appeal. Also, Rick Reilly is hosting Sportscenter on the television as I type this, so this is the equivalent of trying to write a paper as two trains collide and kill everyone on board about 11 feet from your workstation. I bet you couldn't do a better job.

I was born, raised and go to school in Omaha, Neb., and I can tell you right now that none of your jokes are funny. I don't know how to drive a fucking tractor, I don't live on a fucking farm and I've never been fucking cow tipping (though it sounds fun and I really do want to try it). Odds are decent that my city is bigger than whatever one you're reading this from.

He's a brick (dunna dun-a) WALL

Who is 6 foot 3 with a dick the size of Manhattan? John Fucking Wall. It only took me one game to realize how fucking incredible he is. His speed, as Kenny Mayne would say, is incedniary. Vision, like an eagle with prescription sunglasses. Athleticism that only makes sense if it was gentically engineered. He is fucking ay-may-zing.

I have resented John Wall for the past 5 months after his signing with Kentucky. He was supposed to go to Kansas (as is every other good player. It should be a no brainer right?), but he didn't. That doesn't piss me off though, as long as he ends up at UCLA, Pitt or even UNC. BUT FUCKING KENTUCKY?! Christ, Kentucky only has a decent program because of KU. 

Week 13 NFL rap-up

With our new setup, we have CMello's tracks on the side bar over there------------------------>
So go check 'em. Just enjoy it like TMZ enjoys Tyga's downfall. We should have a Cast on Friday, tomorrow I should be back into the swing of things. I've got the Call of Duty out of my system, well, at least a little bit.

Good job voters, now we decide.

Since you couldn't come to a damn conclusion to the name of our domain, we are now taking over. As you can see on the right, both hermsperm.net and herms-perm.com are now deadlocked. Polls have closed assholes. We ask for one thing from our viewers, and they can't even do that. I guess we will just have to do this shit ourselves.

So, because Bubb and I have had discussions on the name, we have agreed on one name. hermsperm.net. The list of reasons are as long as Santa's wish list.

1. Herm sperm- it looks like that to the untrained eye

2. That's it

So enjoy the old domain until Friday, and then get ready for the NEW ONE. Switchover will probably occur somewhere between 5pm and 11pm. As for the rest of the week, expect podcasts. I don't really want to think anymore, with the whole finals thing next week, and the whole "just bought Call of Duty" thing. So permcasts for everyone. Yaaaaaaaay!

Love,

Wilt and Bubb-alitious

Herm's Perm hits crunch time

Dear Loyal Readers,

That dreaded time of year has arrived again for Wilt and Bubb: Finals Week. As much as you would probably like us to devote all of our time to satirizing and scrutinizing the world of sports, we must study instead so we can get real jobs and make real money. Reality, as in the thing that hits after you leave college, sucks. Just ask Canaan and 908. So bear with us, as we enter a stretch where content will be more sparse than finding a woman who hasn't slept with Tiger Woods.

We greatly appreciate your interest and loyalty to the Perm.

Love,

Bubb, Wilt and, of course, Herm

Look, fuck you Kobe, bring on the Brits

Hey, the draw was great. Two bomb threats on the gorgeous Charlize Theron (South Africa native) during the draw for the 2010 World Cup. Lovely Charlize, and TWO BOMB THREATS. Who dares to kill her. This would kill me. My jackoff revenue would drop by 90% if Charlize was sent to the grave. Thankfully though, she made it through, and didn't even get raped!

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: championship weekend

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

I know you are fiending for some FASA right now. I left for one damn week, and now your all, "wheres my fix Wilt" and "WHERES MY FIX FAGGOT." I know you've missed this, and to make this special occasion (conference championships)  even more special, now you have a happy and completely non delusional Wilt. This Wilt has no regrets for a 5-7 season. That Fatshole is gone. Fuck him sideways on the way out Tyshawn. And we have a Biletnikoff winner coming back. (sees ESPN headlines)

KU's campus weight drops by 2 tons

IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED. It's like an early Christmans. Yes. Mark Mangino, gone the way of Charlie Weis and Dick Jauron. The resignation means the end of a great turnaround, and then a fall only comparable to a slip from the summit of Mt. Everest. I have had my yellings at the fat fella, but he will always have a friendly thought of the Orange Bowl in my mind. He turned a shitstain of a team into crimson and blue gem, and then into a shitstain covered gem. So, fuck him, kind of. Bring on the coaching carousel.

Adrian's Peterson doesn't like speed limits.

When you think of the Purple Jesus, what do you think of? Athleticism that only Hercules possesses. Badass eyes that pierce the souls of every man, woman and child. Speed that only Hurricane Katrina's wind could produce. Well, after Saturday's little stunt, we now know he isn't afraid to flaunt these talents off the football field.

Tom and Gisele have a heart-to-heart

Early Tuesday morning: Tom Brady opens the door to his five-story Boston penthouse wearing a custom pinstriped Gucci suit and, for some reason, carrying a black briefcase.

Tom (sounding quite forlorn): Honey, I'm ho-

Gisele (standing at the top of the staircase in the foyer): What kind of batshit pussy performance was THAT? Do you really think that it's okay for you to take your modelesque face into that blighted city and get shown up by someone who has a PERMANENT SHITSTAIN on his face? YOU'RE A STETSON MODEL, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Tiger acting a little too much like Tyga

More and more women have been showing off their jersey (polo shirt?) banging abilities to the press the past couple of days. Tyga Woods seems to have been getting a little side poontang from the ladies. Makes me wonder, though, what the other best players in the world have been doing.

For example, Zach Grenke. Best player ever (for the Royals). Has to get the pussy like catnip, but jesus that face is elementary. Plus he lives in Kansas City and, just ask Larry Johnson, the pickings are slim. So, with my overabundance of judgment, this is who he is fucking:

Herm's Perm gets its very own domain!

Ha! Just kidding. But really it's going to happen. It's just a matter of time now, but thanks to this asshole, who clearly came across our website, noticed we hadn't switched over to our own domain (hermsperm.com) and snatched it up like a last muffin on Charlie Weis' kitchen table, we are shit out of luck. What an asshole. Go eat an oil filter full of Pennzoil you cunt. Now we have to wait for a response from this guy. Don't know how much he is going to black ball us on this, but it could be a Michael Crabtree situation here.

Week 12 Rap-Up: Jake Delhomme is a vagina

And not just because he broke his po' widdew pinky. It's because CMello said so and that man is the Adam Schefter of rap. He once snuck into Jeff Garcia's bedroom to watch him turn down sex with his wife, Carmella DeCesare (October 26), to confirm Garcia's homosexuality. Yeah, he makes Anderson Cooper's reporting look like a Toddler using a microphone as a pacifier. IT SUCKS.

Your musical pleasurings after the jump. CMello's Rap-Up is unofficially sponsored by Trojan Condoms, but we'd sure like to make it official.

Dick Vitale Writes?! :About the Big 11?

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's Article: Big 10 looks to build prestige.

Wilt Stilts in blue.

Dick Vitale in BOLD BABY!

You go, CBS wire services!

After Drew Brees made the Patriots' secondary look more helpless than the Japanese on August 6, 1945, I've had to settle for the little victories. Victories like watching the game on mute and evading the mind-numbing drivel that (I assume) spilled out of Jaws' and Gruden's lips like saliva on a stroke victim. I also enjoyed the company of my father and downed a few exotic beers at the Yardhouse.

After returning home and perusing the stat sheet, which only led to further depression, I came across a great line in CBS Sportsline's game recap. In comparing the Patriots' defeats to the remaining unbeaten NFL teams, the article read:

Tiger Has Upset The Family

(Monday Morning, First tee, Bay Hill Golf Course, Orlando)



TIGER: I don't know what to do. The media is all over me. This is all spiraling out of control, much like that tee shot I just sprayed down the right side. I don't understand why people are infatuated with this.

CMello honors USC with a victory rap

So this isn't a rap-up, but it will have to do because CMello is swamped with Jay-Z meetings and appearances at Victoria's Secret fashion shows. Yes, it's a freestyle about our favorite school, The University of Southern California. If you feel like this blog has been inundated with Trojan content and are upset about this inaccurately perceived transition, please email our human resources department (they handle all complaints) at idontgiveafuck@gmail.com.

Now, may I present, CMello.

Pete Carroll's playcalling gets douchey: Some USC-UCLgay photos

Henceforth, if any coach tries to call a tiemout against USC with Pete Carroll at the helm, the next play will always go for a touchdown. The circumstances of the timeout are completely irrelevant. Broken play? Hail Mary. Injured player? Hail Mary. Stopping the clock for a late-game field goal? Blocked kick for six.

That juncture probably lands in my top-3 best live-game moments of all time. So you can share my satisfaction, here are some pictures from the game, most of which are not of actual football.

HAPPY TURDUCKEN, HERM'S PERM! Dammit, this is tiresome.

How many of you love the movie "Clovervield?" If you don't, then stop reading Herm's Perm. I'm serious. J.J. Abrams worked hard on that movie. That film conquered Godzilla in one try. When else have the Americans dominated the Japanese so decisively.

Oh. Hiroshima.

Uhhhh.....

Fuck...

Happy Fourth, y'all...CELEBRATE!

Well here's "Clover," contrasted with your favorite Herm's Permer. If it doesn't ignite memories...well...fuck my word choice. Try to enjoy.

Ted Ginn Jr. is the new Braylon Edwards

Although the sport's name is slightly misleading, Ted Ginn Jr. has failed to grasp the concept that football requires a proficient use of one's hands. Ginn's display of dexterity (or lack thereof) has relieved last year's (Braylon) Edward Bobblehands of his duties, who now gets to watch Mark Sanchez's passes soar over his head instead.

Maybe Ginn just refuses to catch Chad Henne's passes because he went to Michigan. Or maybe Ginn just sucks ass. Let's have Snoop Dogg decide:

Dick Vitale writes?! Memphis is good? Naw.

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's Article - Josh Pastner, Memphis are on the rise

Wilt Stilts in blue.

Dick Vitale in BOLD BABY!

Perm Hall of Fame: Baron Davis

In recognition of, quite possibly, one of the most overlooked holidays in the winter months, Herm's Perm honors Baron Davis and his beard as part of the No Shave November celebration.

SARS: attempting to contain the epidemic

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Mangino's "fiya!" level

So, for this KU Texas game, I have the upset, but I also have a hatred towards Mangino. Five losses in a row doesn't do much for the confidence factor. So, for this game, a semi-liveblog, but instead of actual comments, me just saying how much closer Mangino gets to getting fired. Let's begin with the first Jayhawk drive.

SUPER GHOST TO THE RESCUE!!!

I'm not sure if he had just been stuck in traffic on the way to heaven, but finally Jazzy blessed the Huskies. And great choice on the victim Jazz Howard. Impeccable. Just impeccable. Well, done my man. Earlier today, Connecticut took the deterioratling Irish to double overtime where the Huskies put the ball through the hearts of the Notre Dame fans. The Andre Dixon four-yard run to seal it almost looked like super ghost was leading the way, and his best friend, while wearing his number, had a winning performance at corner. Well done Uconn. We here at the Perm applaud you for taking those douchebags down another notch, even when we thought that notch couldn't be lowered anymore. WOOHOOO!

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 12/2

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
I'm half tempted to start putting basketball on the top, but since the football season is supposedly heating up, I'll leave it, although, these next few weeks are the worst of the year. There is only one ranked match-up this week. One damn game. Then we have conference title games in conferences where it doesn't matter. A national championship game in New Orleans. That's all. Then POINTLESS BOWL GAMES. Then SEMI POINTLESS BOWL GAMES. Fuck you BCS. Fuck you like a stripper in a large penis festival. Enough of that, I'm getting the shitting on sweats.

The Great Lakes Classic: THIS TIME IT COUNTS!

 Greetings Browns fan!  After a grueling four-year wait, your favorite annual preseason showdown between your beloved Brownies and those dang Lions from up north will finally be played when it matters!  To celebrate this rare regular season treat, North Coast Travel would like to invite you to attend the game in beautiful Ford Field as a V.I.D. (Very Important DAWG!).  For as low as $59.99, you can be whisked away to Detroit on one of our D-Lux ™ charter buses, fed by our team of award-winning* grillmasters, and seated in a block of like-minded Browns fans in Ford Field's version of the Dawg Pound (for this Sunday, at least!).

Tila still longing for the strong hand of Shawne

I know, I know. This isn't what you call "sports" but she does dance, and in the Olympics, dance floor routine is a "sport." It's ok. Start around the second bubble link. That's when it gets good. She steps it up times 30. Then it gets EXPLOSIVE. (sorry for the overlapping video. Ustream blows)

Perm-O-Meter: the Belichick call

Three days after the Patriots' serial killing ax murderer
head coach whipped out his 300-pound testicles and failed to make Peyton Manning lick them on the much-debated 4th-and-2 call, ESPN finally publishes Herm's take. I thought that news and timeliness were related, but I guess not.

Herm responds to the questions posed by Sage Steele in this one. What a disappointing waste of a perfectly good pornstar name. And her perm will never be better than Herm's. Let's embark.

What can Brown do to fuck your fantasy team?

Ronnie Brown's right foot announced yesterday, that yes, Wilt, your fantasy team is now fucked. Brown left the game on Sunday with an injury to his foot that wouldn't be repairable this season. Even my prayers, which included a beer bong full of holy water, couldn't keep Ronnie off the IR (injured reserve dummy) which takes him off the roster the rest of the year. I'm sure I'm not the only one to take this loss heavily. Well, at least he went out on top with a 45 yard run and a TD.

Herm is in remorse.

We'd like to extend our most severe apologies to you guys for our work today (or lack there of). Although the best you've gotten this week is a liveblog via twitter, we promise to bring you some swell writing tomorrow to compensate for todays failures. Then again, even God's greatest creation has mistakes some times. We just wanted to blog-fail in memory of Brady Quinn's performance on Monday night. Don't worry, we won't do it again. I swear to Herman we won't.

Love,

Wilt

P.S. A little music leak for you as a parting gift: Wale.

Live Blog anyone?

No, really. Anyone? Well if you do, we are gonna do one of those via our twitter. All you have to do is follow us and BAM, you have you're liveblog live from your phone for the KU Memphis, and SouthCentral High School USC Riverside North High school UC Riverside games. It's funny, this would be a live blog right here, but someone *cough*BubbRubb*cough* had to go to his game, if you even want to call it that. Being that the KU game is in St. Louis, which makes about as much sense as playing the USC-UCLA game in Reno, I will be doing it from my home couch. Currently Michigan State just capped a comeback against the Zags to pull a 2 point lead. This is where we will begin. Remember, go to twitter. Follow. Read. Relish in the awesomness.

She is for sure from Memphis.

Fuck you, Wilt. What you have in talent, we make up for in, er, brute strength.

Twitter.com/hermsperm

Fat coaches might lose some wieght with all the "heat"

Pacquiao showed off his welterweight dominance, taking stage this weekend in a bout that sounded like a doozy. I would have been happy to catch the match, but since 50 bucks for a pay-per view doesn't even appear on my college student balance sheet, I was left with beer and MLS soccer. What I missed during the soccer match was a Pacquiao punchfest. Today, the heavyweights took the stage. Or should I say the sumo weight. Let's head down to the booth to human megaphone, Gus Johnson.

The Bengals Get Just a Little More Likeable

Outside of my geography-based sports loyalties (Patriots, Celtics, Trojans), I base my favoritism upon a team's character. Quality character. Strong character. Distinguished character.

Second-favorite NBA team? Denver Nuggets.

Second-favorite college team? Kansas Jayhawks.

Second-favorite NFL team? Cincinnati Bengals.

If there appears to be a discrepancy between the three previous squads and the description of the qualities that I look for in a team, let me explain.